Trust in Me

How was it that Jamie could look so sexy ten years later? Most of the people I knew from high school looked like crap now. It wasn’t just my fond memories either. He filled out his business suit perfectly, as if it was made for him.

I had thought my reaction earlier was overpowering, but now, with the liquor flowing through my veins, my libido went nuclear. Jamie was my first, and since then I had been with my fair share of men, but my heart reacted and overruled my brain. Seeing him now, the blood rushed to my dick so fast, I felt light-headed. Or maybe that was just the scotch.

“Tristan,” he said with a nod.

What was I supposed to do? He was the director in charge of this little shindig, and being thrown together with him was really my worst nightmare come true. In my fantasies, though, he came to me and said, Tris, I’m sorry, but I had this massive emergency that morning and I had to go away and please forgive me?

I snorted. That wasn’t likely -- not in the least. He’d woken up next to a guy, and being the straight guy he was, he’d left. Nothing else to it, and I really should have put an end to this stupid little dream in my heart.

He was looking at me oddly, and I realized I had just made a rude noise at him. I needed to remember he was our client. If we lost the account because of my asshole attitude with him, it wouldn’t hurt my business too much at this point, but word of mouth was something we really depended on. So I ate crow and said, “Sorry.”

He shook his head. “Nothing to be sorry about. Where’s Joe?”

He was talking to me. Guh. Fuck. Why was it that even with an expensive education, my mind would take a vacation whenever Jamie talked to me? “Joe?”

He pressed the button again. “The guy who regularly works the conferences for us? Beautiful wife and two kids? Oh, you might not know him because you work different conferences, but I ask for him because he knows our special requests so well.”

Joe’s wife was beautiful. I had sometimes wondered how he had landed such a beauty, because I didn’t find him attractive, but it wasn’t my place to think about if Joe was good-looking or not. I was also a little irked Jamie didn’t think I might be Joe’s boss but naturally assumed I was just another technician. “He broke his hand,” I said grumpily.

Jamie looked at me worriedly. “I’m sorry to hear that. If you can, tell him to get well and we’ll see him at the next conference.”

Jamie was still the man with a beautiful heart. As much as I tried to hate him for leaving me cold that morning after, I couldn’t seem to dredge up the strength to be angry at him right this second, especially with him looking so perfectly gorgeous in his suit and tie. “I’ll do that,” I said grudgingly, sliding my key card in and pushing the button to my floor.

“Wow,” he said as he pushed the button to his floor. “I guess you got the upgraded room. You must travel a lot with TPI.”

I felt awkward right then, because if I admitted I owned the company, I would feel weird around Jamie since I hadn’t been honest with him from the start. That wasn’t saying much, because since I had seen him again, all day I felt like I was walking on pins and needles. So I just nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

It wasn’t a lie. I traveled a lot to meet with clients to sign the contract with the company and set up their technical specifications for their needs during the conference. As the doors closed, the air in the elevator seemed to close in on me, suffocating me.

I had never felt so uncomfortable in my life. Not when I came out to my parents, not when I caught my business partner fucking his piece of ass du jour on his desk. I could only stare straight ahead, trying to turn invisible, when all I wanted to ask was, why did you leave?

I couldn’t get up the balls to ask it, though, and when the elevator opened to his floor, I turned to wish him good night, but he just walked out and left me behind. Just like the morning after. So with ten years of frustration and anger, I said snidely, not meaning it in any corner of my soul, “Have a great night’s sleep.”

Jamie whirled around, his midnight blue gaze crashing into mine. The hurt I saw there took my breath away, and I didn’t know what would make it better. But damn him; even after he’d left me hanging in the wind at the tender age of eighteen with my ego and my heart crushed, I still wanted that look of despair gone, and I’d do anything to make it go away.

As the elevator doors closed, I felt the facade drop and the mask I’d been wearing all day fall to the ground. Even after all these years, it still hurt, because you never forget your first broken heart.

* * * * *

Between the scotch and my allergy medicine, I was out before my head hit the pillow. When my alarm woke me up in the morning, my stomach nearly turned itself inside out. I realized I hadn’t eaten last night, and it continued to growl all the way through my shower and getting ready.

I needed to finish up on all the cables this morning, but my stomach was begging for breakfast more, so I headed down to the hotel restaurant. I got a table, ordered some food, and opened my computer to check my e-mails.

I sent off replies to most of the tech questions, and after a few minutes, I was pulling up some news when the hostess seated Jamie at the table next to me.

I just couldn’t get away from him, and he didn’t look happy to see me either. He sat down with his netbook, immediately started typing away on it, and politely ignored me. I wanted to apologize for my comment the night before, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything to him.

Blissfully unaware of the tension surrounding her two tables, the waitress brought my food and more coffee, so I sat and ate in silence, looking at the news on my laptop.

“Is everything going all right with our additions to the ballroom?”

I glanced over at the distant look in his eyes, feeling my heart clench. What had I done to make him hate me so much? Did he blame me for seducing him? “Everything’s great,” I said.

“I just wanted to make sure that Joe had everything in order for you, since this is your first time and all.”

It wasn’t my first time working their convention, but I just nodded and stuck my toast in my egg yolk.

“No more omelets?”

I choked on my toast. My gaze flew to meet his, which was no longer cold. He wore a guarded look, as if he was scared I was going to let his secret out. I realized I knew nothing about him. Maybe Jamie was married now, with kids and a lovely wife. Maybe that was why he got along so well with Joe -- they’d talk about their perfect lives over drinks.

But there I was, still pathetically hanging on to our summer tryst ten years ago and all the pain and frustration of mindlessly trying to get back there, to find myself where I believed I would belong -- inside Jamie.

I found it sad and horrible this was all my life boiled down to. At the end of all of it, I was trying to feel what I had felt when I looked at him. The anger bubbling up within me was simply the pain of being rejected that next morning.

I didn’t say a word to the provocation. I just finished my toast, which created a lump in my throat. I charged the bill to my room and then stood up. I took two steps, then leaned down so only he would hear me. “I don’t know if you are a closet case or what, but you don’t have to worry about me outing you. I’ll be your dirty little secret.” I took a deep breath to steady my voice. “Let’s just treat each other with some sort of civility.”

I couldn’t wait around for his agreement, because the way he looked up at me, those blue eyes of his wide and his lips parted, was driving me to the brink of insanity. I wanted to kiss him until I was drowning again. It took every ounce of strength to turn and walk away.

* * * * *

I threw myself into work, keeping busy all day. Most of the time my thoughts were on each task in front of me, except when I saw Jamie walking through the corridors, looking gorgeous. I guess Jamie honored his part of the bargain to be civil by keeping his distance. Instead of invading Jamie’s space, I asked another staff member any questions I had.

As knowledgeable as the staff was, I would have been better off asking Jamie. Dr. Neil Plambe was Jamie’s little fanboy, and every time I said something about Jamie, he would go on and on about how awesome Jamie was.

I was getting sick of it by the time the final day rolled around. Yes, Jamie Hunter was a fucking saint. I got it. As I listened to Neil babble on about how Jamie was a candidate for a pair of angel wings, I almost told Neil he should go suck Jamie’s dick if he loved him that much. It was stupid. My jealousy was getting the better of me. Neil got to be around Jamie on a regular basis since they worked at the same hospital, and it was driving me insane.

To top it off, the next morning I would be alone again. Some feelings never died.

I thought of all of this so quickly, my mind racing as Neil kept going on in the background about what was needed at the next in-service for the nurses attending the event. I watched Jamie from across the hallway. My thoughts went back to Jamie’s dick and how I would suck it. A lot had changed since Jamie had stayed with me. I wasn’t eighteen anymore. I had skills now. I could blow his mind.

I couldn’t take my eyes off Jamie, and then suddenly, as if he knew I was looking at him, he turned my way. He met my gaze, and I was lost. It occurred to me I always would be when it came to Jamie.

As I worked from my computer center during the final dinner, I watched Jamie acting his part as host of the event. There was this charisma about him, which made him a good quarterback in school and made it obvious to me why he was also a good doctor. He was a natural-born leader.

Again, he was my distraction. I put on my headset and blocked out everything going on around me as I worked on making sure the presentation came off without a hitch. As we wrapped up for the night and the lights came on in the ballroom, I looked at my watch and yawned. It was after midnight, and we were done. Tomorrow I would spend a few hours putting away my equipment and head back home, never to see him again.

After I went upstairs to my room, I decided to get comfortable in my T-shirt and pajama pants, watch a movie on my laptop, order some hopefully decent food from room service, and try to unwind. A massage would have been nice to release my tension, but I would take what I could get.

I knew what had happened to Jamie now. A pit settled in my stomach as I allowed myself to feel again. Shutting off my emotions all week had worked, but it was time to come back to reality.

Maybe I had been better off not knowing. Some things were better left unsaid. I could have held on to my dream that maybe he thought about me every once in a while and it brought a smile to his face.

I could admit to myself he was gorgeous when he smiled. He was my ideal man, lookswise and personality. I imagined he would be for anyone with eyes or a heart. I washed my face and looked in the mirror, wondering how I could get my heart back.

Brown eyes stared back at me, haunted and dark. I looked quite a bit different than I had when I was eighteen, but then, so did Jamie. He was different in so many ways, but he had kept his word and had remained civil the rest of the conference. I don’t know what I was expecting from him. An apology, maybe, or something to show our one night together really happened and it wasn’t just a summer dream.

I thought he would have come to me sometime over the week, but after being left hanging in the wind again, now I was sure Jamie had only been curious that summer night. Now that I knew, maybe I could move on.

Room service delivering my food was a welcome distraction from my thoughts. After I ate and lay down, my eyes drifting shut while I watched a movie in bed, I heard a knock on my door.

I paused my movie and walked over to the door, thinking whoever it was had the wrong room. I looked out the peephole and saw the perfectly coifed blond hair, or at least the back of it as he looked down the hallway.

Jamie, what the hell are you doing here at nearly two in the morning? I unfastened the locks and opened the door. “What can I help you with?”

He held up a keycard. “Apparently when you host a conference, management invites you to use their hospitality suite.”

I looked at the plastic card and then back at him. “You’re drunk?”

He shook his head. “They close it at ten. But the card allows access to this floor. I was in the lounge, and I saw you go to your room last night, so here I am,” he said awkwardly.

Wow, my own little stalker. I lazily leaned against the door, feeling strangely confident in response to Jamie’s awkwardness. “Wondering if this wasn’t my room but last night’s hookup?”

Jamie looked startled by my suggestion, but he chuckled uncomfortably. “I doubt it, with as busy as we have both been, but then I guess this scenario would be playing out differently.”

I smiled. “What can I help you with?” I asked again.

“Can I come in?”

That was a bad idea. Unfortunately when it came to him, I had always made bad decisions. “Sure,” I said, stepping aside.

He followed me inside. Some things never changed, and as I turned, figuring he would keep some distance between us, I realized he still walked like a cat, and he was now inches away from me.

I wasn’t as clumsy as I used to be. Nonetheless, my mental stability was thrown off as I felt his body heat. His cologne permeated my senses, and my body reacted, betraying my mind. Even if I had wanted to throw him out of my room, my dick had other ideas.

All I wanted was to touch him and never part from him, but my survival instincts kicked in. That morning after, years ago, when I’d woken up to an empty bed, flashed through my mind. I stepped back.

Once I pulled away, I could see I wasn’t the only one affected. His eyes were hazy, and his skin was flushed. When he looked up at me, I saw the same need I had seen ten years ago on our summer night, and I groaned inwardly as my cock tented my pants.

Just as quickly as his desire appeared, it was gone, and I was faced with a mask I didn’t know. This was Jamie today, doctor and stuffed shirt extraordinaire -- a far cry from the golden football boy I knew. “What can I help you with?” I asked yet again, and this time, none too kindly.

“The convention went well.”

His discomfort was obvious, and during the day, I would have humored him. “Jamie, it’s two in the morning. Get on with it.” It was harsh, but I was tired. Now that I was within feet of him, in a small room, I was going to have to jerk off to get some sleep after he left. My heart was another story.

Jamie licked his lips, looking very uncomfortable. For a second I thought he was going to bolt, but then he said, “I want to apologize.”

This was how most of my fantasies started with him, and they always ended up with us sweaty, replete from the hot, satisfying sex that would exhaust us. But life often handed me disappointments, at least in the romance department, and I really couldn’t afford at two in the morning to get my hopes up.

“Okay,” I said, wanting to see where he was going. We stood there awkwardly for a second, not sure what to say. I was waiting for him to tell me more, and he looked like he was trying to get up the courage to speak, so I finally said, “Just spit it out.”

© Lori Toland, May 2011
All Rights Reserved