The Amorous Weekend

Excerpt:
UNEDITED/UNPROOFED

Chapter One

When Anthony Johnson backed out his wife’s car, he did something very stupid. He tried to avoid the mail box and trash cans at the curb, rolled over the lawn, and hit Mrs. Henderson’s 1987 Buick.
Tony got out of the car as both his wife and Mrs. Henderson converged on the scene.
“Ohmigod,” said Mrs. Henderson.
“Are you all right, Mrs. Henderson?” Lori was standing in the middle of the street with both purse and briefcase in hand.
“She wasn’t in the car, Lor.”
“I went back in for my coupons. I can’t believe you didn’t see me.” Mrs. Henderson was resplendent this morning in orange and, indeed, it would be difficult for anybody to miss her.
“I am sorry, I did see the Buick in your driveway; then it was suddenly in the street.” Tony noticed a couple of the neighbors making U-turns up the street, there was no way they were getting through, the cars were blocking from curb to curb.
“Should we call the police?” Lori was digging through her purse for her cell.
“I’ll call, you take my car. I know you’ve got classes first thing.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, go ahead. It’s my fault.” Tony didn’t know if Lori was mad or worried, she looked both.
Tony picked up the trash cans and brought them off to the side so Lori could back out. Lori, too, had to roll over the lawn and curb. He called 911 and walked around the accident.
“Ohmigod, I can’t believe this. I knew it would happen sooner or later. You can’t put both those cars in that garage, you just can’t.”
Tony looked up from the left rear tire, the flat left rear tire. “We put the cars in the garage so we don’t have to worry about them.”
“You should put them on the street,” she pointed up the block, “That’s what everybody does; they park them on the street.”
Tony didn’t reply to that. Both cars fit in the garage only if the first car in hugged the garage wall. The second one in hugged the first. It was always musical cars because only one car door could be opened.
“I’ll bet, after this, you’ll start parking on the street like everybody else does. I’ll bet you’ve learned your lesson. You can’t put both those cars in the garage. You just can’t.”
Tony wanted to say something to that. He only managed, “I know, Mrs. Henderson.”
Thank goodness a police cruiser showed up before Mrs. Henderson got too wound up. Mrs. Henderson was too shaken to drive her car so the officer kindly offered to pull it into her driveway. When he walked back, he asked Tony to see if he could pull into his drive, he did it even though both rear tires were flat now.
“Ma’am, did you get back into your car after it was hit?” The officer questioned Mrs. Henderson.
“No, I ran into the house for my coupons and when I came back, it was crushed.”
“And nobody else got into the car after it was hit?”
“Oh, no, nobody drives my LeSabre but me. I only have myself insured.”
“Ma’am, your car was in neutral when I moved it, I think it was in your drive and when you got out, it rolled back into the street.”
“Oh, no, that has never happened before. I never put it in neutral.”
“Well, it was either put in neutral or jumped into neutral but it slid down into the street on its own. You’ve got a pretty steep driveway. It wouldn’t take much to roll with the hand brake off.”
Mrs. Henderson couldn’t believe that happened. She never used the hand brake because she had perfectly good brakes from Mr. Goodwrench but the car could never have rolled down the driveway without her putting it in reverse.
The officer gave both drivers the information needed to obtain accident reports. Nobody got a ticket. Mrs. Henderson was letting the officer know that both the Johnsons parked two cars in their garage. She went on to say that everyone in the neighborhood parks on the street. They were both conversing when Tony went into the house to call his brother.
After giving a condensed version of the accident, Phil agreed to send out an adjuster to inspect the damage. When the phone rang, it was Phil again, he was sending over a rental car. “Please don’t rear-end any little old ladies in this one.”
“Thanks, I’ll try not to.”
Tony made the call to his boss’ voice mail, he was coming in but he’d be late. Tony hated calling in. He had a job he detested in a deplorable economy. Don’t rock the boat, don’t ask for anything, that had become Tony’s mantra. Once the cruiser left and Mrs. Henderson went back into her house, Tony went out and cleaned up the debris the crash had left behind. It was easy pick up, he simply needed a broom and shovel; the trash cans were at the ready.
Tony had a crappy day. He had overflowing voice and e mail. He accepted every meeting request he received, was going to go back and look at his calendar when June came up to him, inquired about Tony being late, and asked if he was walking over to the conference room. He disliked the fact that June, the office snitch, would have to remind him of a meeting starting in two minutes. He nearly missed the meeting, a mortal sin at the office. He hated coming in late and he hated that he was driving Lori’s car when he had an accident.
Tony’s car was in the garage when he got home. Lori always was the first to arrive because of her school hours. Tony thought about trying to fit the Honda in the garage but had second thoughts and merely pulled it up into the driveway.
The parking scheme was first worked out with one driving and the other gesturing with hand signals. They had it down to a science. The Honda was a tad bigger than Lori’s car. He wasn’t going to chance it.
Lori was at the sink scrubbing potatoes. “Hi, honey.” He kissed her cheek; she didn’t turn his way so that’s all he got.
“Mrs. Henderson stopped by. Her car is totaled.” She kept scrubbing.
“I figured. If the body was in better shape, I’d feel worse but she leaves a trail of rust to and from Kroger’s every Thursday.”
No answer to that, simply more scrubbing. There was no peel left on either potato.
“Phil said it should only be a new bumper unless the wheel ends have endplay or noise. Both tires are flat in the back, we’ll get new ones all the way around. Remember you patched the driver’s front a while ago.” He hesitated. “I’m sorry I wrecked your car”
She answered with, “Can’t be helped.”
Tony knew Lori couldn’t be talked out of a sulk. He had wrecked her car, the deed was done, he’d just waltz around her until she sorted it all out. “Where’s Ernie?” Usually the dog was all over him as soon as he got in the door.
“In the backyard.” Lori continued with the scrubbing of the potatoes. Evidently all males were to be simply tolerated in the house. Ernie was only in the backyard to play or potty, usually accompanied. Poor Ernie, guilt by gender.
Tony walked through to the den and there was Ernie sitting patiently, waiting to be let in. When Tony opened the patio door, the dog tried to get into the house before the door was opened wide enough for him. Tony thought he may have hurt himself, scraping his fat tummy between both door edges. Tony scrubbed at his head and chest, Ernie trying to lick Tony wherever he could reach. If he was hurt, it was minor. The dog was wiggling all over, so happy to see Tony. When he calmed down, Tony went into the bedroom and changed his clothes and took the dog out into the backyard for some exercise. Tony tossed his tennis ball around; Ernie fetched but never brought back the ball. Instead, the dog held the ball with head held high and pranced all around, just out of reach. If Tony dared make a run at him, he would evade him at all costs. Tony picked up a filthy frisbee, tossed it up in the air a few times but the dog never showed any interest. He continued to strut from one end of the lot line to the other with the green tennis ball. He eyed Tony occasionally as if to say, ‘Are you watching here?’. Tony made some mad grabs for the ball, never got it, decided he was getting far more exercise than the dog. They both went in, tennis ball firmly in Ernie’s mouth.
Lori was grading papers on the kitchen table. Tony pulled out a chair and sat right next to her. “Want some help with those?”
“No, I’m almost done.” Lori’s head tipped even closer to the college ruled notebook paper in front of her.
That was probably not the case. The C+ she gave went into a pile of one and the paper she picked up and the one beneath were not graded.
“I think I’ll take Ernie out for a walk.”
“Mrs. Henderson will be on you.”
“Yeah, I figure. I owe her an apology. I’ll get her back in my good graces, and then you’re next.”
She smiled at that, not a big smile but a smile. Ernie, the biggest nose bucket in the known universe, had heard the business about taking him out for a walk and he was attempting to get his leash off the coat rack without too much success. Tony hooked him up and they went flying down the sidewalk and into the drive. Ernie pulled up to sniff the Honda. He did not approve. He peed on both driver side tires.
“What can I say, Ern, I didn’t pick it out!”
Ernie led the way, down the street toward the park. They skirted it, too many kids, Ernie would be in doggie heaven being petted and patted by a dozen different kids but not today. It wasn’t the kids Tony was worried about. Parents, there was always at least one, would run up yelling to get away from the dog, you don’t know that dog, some doggies bite, and on and on. It alarmed the kids and it freaked Ernie. They crossed the street and headed back. He could see Mrs. Henderson on the sidewalk pretending to get the mail. When he got close enough, he let Ernie loose and the dog scuttled up to her, tail wagging furiously. Somehow Ernie knew Mrs. Henderson did not appreciate being jumped on. He was always the perfect canine specimen for her. He sat and waited for whatever she had in her apron pocket.
“Hello, Mrs. Henderson.” She had a sandwich bag full of roast beef. She didn’t ask permission, she never did, simply handed out pinches of meat. Ernie gobbled it up like he hadn’t eaten in a week.
“I see you parked your new car in the driveway. You should park in the street. That’s what everybody does, parks on the street.”
Tony picked up the end of Ernie’s leash. He wasn’t going anywhere but Tony saw a couple of squirrels down the block. If Ernie spotted them, he’d go nuts. “It’s a rental, afraid its too big for the garage so I figured I’d leave it in the drive until Lori’s car comes back.”
The sandwich bag was empty; Mrs. Henderson turned it inside out so Ernie could lick the bag. The dog was shameless; next he would lick her hand. “I was thinking about what that police officer said, I’m not saying I did it but it is possible that the LeSabre was in neutral.” The greasy sandwich bag went back into her apron pocket. She was trying to pet Ern, he was licking her hand.
“I saw your car in the driveway, never saw it move into the street, I was keeping an eye on the mail box and trash cans. I’m sorry about the LeSabre. Know you’ve had it for a long time.”
“I did, it’s a limited coupe, you know. Going to be hard to replace that car, never left me stranded, not even once all these years.”
“They don’t make them like that anymore.”
“I doubt if I can find velour fabric in a newer car. I love velour fabric. It’s so warm in the winter.”
Tony wasn't going to talk about the motor with the spume of blue exhaust or the body that begged for bondo, but if she wanted to talk velour, he’d talk velour. “You know, a lot of car companies offer heated front seats. Those would be warm in the winter. Maybe different from your velour but that would be nice when it’s cold, heated seats.”
“But it takes a while for the motor to warm up to get the seats warm, doesn’t it?”
“I don’t think so; I think the seats are warm from the battery, kind of like an electric blanket. Should be warm within a minute or two.”
“Oh, I’ll have to look at something like that. I’ve got quite a bit saved up in the car fund. The LeSabre was paid off years ago and it hasn’t cost me much in repairs, only the oil and tires. I’ve gotten my money’s worth, I guess.” Ern was leaning on Mrs. Henderson now, she was scratching under his chest, and he was nearly in a stupor, doggie heaven.
“I’m sorry it’s been necessary. I should have been more careful about backing up.”
“An accident. Think about parking in the street. That’s what everybody does, they park on the street. Sometimes I use a few feet of your driveway when I back up, not often but sometimes.”
Tony had to smile, he knew Mrs. Henderson used their driveway, he’d seen her in action quite a few times. That was one of the reasons why they never left a car in the driveway or parked on the street. Thank goodness she was currently carless or the Honda would be history. “That’s okay. Thank you for being so good to Ern.” Tony shortened the leash a little and Ernie straightened up.
“Have a good night.” She gave Ern a final fluff of the ears.
“You, too, Mrs. Henderson.” He led the dog across the street and into the house.
Lori was getting supper together when the duo came in.
“You might want to cut down on Ernie’s food tonight.” Ern gave a look that said ‘tattle tale’.
“What did she give him?”
“Smelled like pot roast to me.” Tony washed his hands at the sink and got out silverware and plates.
“She needs to get a little ankle biter to keep her company.”
“She doesn’t care for animals, said she never has.”
“Yeah, that’s why she sets an extra place for Ernie every day.”
“It’s because he is so special, doesn’t grab for food like other animals.”
“He knows it’s not going anywhere, all for him, the glutton.” Ernie had enough of their disparagement. He lapped at his water and headed down the hall.
“What do you want me to do? Besides beg for your forgiveness?” Tony flashed a smile at that, Lori wasn’t budging, no smile from her.
“It’s all ready.” She put the peel less baked potatoes on each plate along with pork chops. She got the salad out of the frig and Tony poured milk.
They talked about their day; Lori’s version was condensed because she was miffed with him. When it came time to load the dishwasher, Tony took over. He was peeved to see it had not been unloaded but car crashers should do some form of penance. This was clearly his.
After she fed and watered the dog, Lori took back the kitchen table for grading papers. Tony offered again to help and Lori said something that sounded like ‘last one’.
“I’m going to get on the computer for a little while. Are you going to need it?”
“No.”
Tony felt sorry for the kids’ school work. Lori would not be a high grader for whatever came her way tonight. “I’ll try to stay away from the porn.”
He did get a smile on that.
When Tony finished checking his e mails and looked around the web a little, he joined Lori and Ernie in the living room. She had on one of the crime scene series. He put his arm around her. She didn’t get up and move to a chair but he could feel a definite sway to the left. He kept his arm there anyway.
On commercial he said, “Do you want to switch, take the Honda until your car is fixed?”
“No.”
“I’d buy you a new car if we had the money and the economy wasn’t doing a gigantic slide into the toilet.”
“That’s hardly necessary.”
“I’m sorry. I saw her car in the driveway, I was checking to see where the trash cans were, I never looked at her car a second time. It was totally my fault, mine and the damn mail box.”
“Mrs. Henderson said she might have left her car in neutral, it may have slid back because the hand brake was off.”
“Yeah, might have happened like that. I still should have looked another time.”
“It’s okay.”
“You’re supposed to say ‘it could have been me’.”
“No.”
“‘Of course, today’s Monday. I always drive the car on Saturday, never drive on Monday. I am an excellent driver’.” Tony’s Dustin Hoffman was exaggerated. Lori laughed at that, she plainly didn’t want to but the quote was spot on if horribly delivered. Tony could make a living as a celebrity impersonator.
Tony decided to take advantage of her softening; he leaned in and kissed her cheek. She was still laughing. His mouth found where neck and shoulder met and kissed and sucked there. By leaning away from him, Lori afforded Tony a nice, smooth area to torment. The skin was pulled taunt and Tony licked his way up to her jaw. He gently coaxed her face toward him. He kissed her chin then worked his way up to her lips. He kissed her set lips. She was still annoyed about the car. She usually was an enthusiastic kisser, she was still somewhat reticent about whatever followed the most innocent of foreplay but she liked to kiss. Yeah, she was still annoyed about the car.
“Tony,” she mumbled against his lips.
The only time Lori talked during kissing was to tell him that she had her period. Talking was the kiss of death during kissing for them. “Hmm.” He was still kissing, not doing his best work when he was handicapped with only one lip.
“Sex doesn’t make everything better.” She was pushing the TV Guide against his chest.
“Oh, yeah, it does for me. War, pestilence, global warming, all better.”
“No, I’m watching this program.” The TV Guide was taking a beating. Thinking this might turn into a no-holds-barred wrestling match, Ernie hopped up on the sofa next to Tony. He was doing little pawing things on Tony’s arm.
“I hope you’re not waiting for William Petersen to magically appear. He’s doing Sara in the jungle.” Bravo for Gil, at least he had a willing partner. Lori did a twisting thing and removed herself from intimate contact.
“I am aware he’s gone, I’ve moved on.” She tried to re-engage herself with the show.
“No, you haven’t. You have the hots for him. Admit it.”
“I am watching this program.”
“Okay, we both are then.” Tony was on his best behavior now. Ernie burrowed under Tony’s arm in order to be scratched.
Tony tried to watch television but he had his beautiful wife next to him and he loved the way Lori looked. Her brown hair had been clipped back and curled for school; it was in a pony tail now, some wisps escaping the rubber band around her face. Her make up was nearly gone, she either scrubbed it off when she changed her clothes or it came off as the day wore on. She was beautiful without it. She still had darker eyebrows and lashes than natural; that part of her make-up stayed on the longest. He remembered the first time he met her, dressed all in white, her voice and demeanor refined. Her clothes were tasteful, never much jewelry, she made a statement about who she was by the way she looked and the way she acted. She was polished.