Roll of the Dice

Excerpt:
I’d rolled the dice and lost, though not in the way I expected. I hoped -- more, I really believed -- Matt loved me and that he only needed to admit it to himself and then to me. I hadn't thought that he'd always accepted it but simply refused to allow free rein to his feelings, or even to consider mine.

I was angry and terribly disappointed that it seemed so easy for Matt to put his career before his feelings. To me there was nothing more important than love. I would never have put my career before the man I love, the man I had lost before I ever really had him. That thought made me both angry and sad.

I needed to stop thinking about this, it wasn't helping; nothing could. All I was doing was churning up my emotions. I had to accept it and move on. I just didn't know how; I’d carried this dream with me for so long and now it was gone. Still, I was determined not to sit around and mourn.

I’d shed a few tears of angry frustration when I first arrived home yesterday evening. I spent a couple of hours trying to decide what had gone wrong, but deep down I knew it wasn't my problem, it was Matt's. I finally fell asleep, but it was troubled by dreams and I awoke very early this morning still feeling confused and upset.

I couldn't face staying in bed any longer and got up. I took a quick shower and then went to the kitchen for some coffee. I made myself some toast, but couldn't eat it. I felt sick to my stomach.

I took my coffee through to the living room and sat on the sofa. I had to make a decision. The reason I’d plucked up the courage to put my cards on the table with Matt was that I nursed my desire long enough, it was time to go after what I wanted. I didn’t want to be on my own any longer, and why should I have to be when I was in love and I was pretty sure it was returned.

I’d been hurt once, seemed a lifetime ago now, but for a long time my work had been enough. As time passed I came to realize that I wanted more. I wanted someone special to come home to and relax with, to share my life, my heart and my soul with. I wanted Matt! Damn!

Now I knew that couldn't be. I closed my eyes and let the sigh escape. I should’ve known better, life rarely gave you what you wanted