Roll of the Dice

I couldn't face staying in bed any longer and got up. I took a quick shower and then went to the kitchen for some coffee. I made myself some toast, but couldn't eat it. I felt sick to my stomach.

I took my coffee through to the living room and sat on the sofa. I had to make a decision. The reason I’d plucked up the courage to put my cards on the table with Matt was that I nursed my desire long enough, it was time to go after what I wanted. I didn’t want to be on my own any longer, and why should I have to be when I was in love and I was pretty sure it was returned.

I’d been hurt once, seemed a lifetime ago now, but for a long time my work had been enough. As time passed I came to realize that I wanted more. I wanted someone special to come home to and relax with, to share my life, my heart and my soul with. I wanted Matt! Damn!

Now I knew that couldn't be. I closed my eyes and let the sigh escape. I should’ve known better, life rarely gave you what you wanted.

I was angry with myself for being weak, for needing someone to lean on. I’d always been something of a loner, never been much of a mixer, but gradually I’d realized just how sterile my life was, how much I had to give. Finally, I had realized the truth, I needed to be needed. Was that really a weakness?

I stood up and went to stare in the mirror, looking at my reflection, looking into my eyes. I had to make a choice. It wasn't a choice I wanted but that was no longer in my hands. I wasn't going to share my life with Matt, and, if I didn't want to be a lonely, bitter old man, I needed to move on and find someone else. If I couldn't have the one person I wanted then I would just have to settle for second-best.

I stared at myself, trying to see what others might see. I guessed I was reasonably good looking, I had overheard enough to know some found me attractive, of course that was women and I was interested in men. Had thought of myself as bi at one time, but I no longer found women attractive. Accepting I was in love with Matt had soured women for me. I wanted a guy. I wanted the freedom that sex with another man gave me. It was so much easier to really let go with a man and I wanted, needed a physical relationship.

God, what would it have been like to be loved by Matt?

I'd had so many fantasies about making love with Matt, and that was always what it was when I thought about him. It was never just about the sex, never about fucking, not with Matt. I had to be strong, forget about him because that was never going to happen. I sighed and leaned my head on the back of the sofa; I couldn't allow the tears to fall.

I got more coffee and checked the time. I would have to leave in another hour to go to work. I would have to face Matt. I so wasn’t ready for that.

I couldn't think about this any longer. I'd go to work; maybe I could decide then what to do.