Restrained Desire

Your aunt is dying.

Those words were a continuous chant in Veronica’s head during the twenty-minute drive from her house to the hospital. Each time, it jarred her nerves as if she’d been given an electric shock. Even now, as she rode the elevator to the fifth floor, her heart slammed into her chest with fear of what was to come. Anxious thoughts, like rapid unrestrained intruders caused her skin to tighten, and her breathing to become laborious.

The metal doors opened and she rushed out onto the intensive care unit. Clutching her purse, she was vaguely aware of the constricted blood flow pumping in her hand.

The nurse sitting behind the half moon shaped counter, glanced up from her charting and gave her a small smile. “May I help you?”

Veronica stopped at the nurse’s station. “Where’s my aunt?” She wanted to scream. Instead she took a deep breath to calm her agitation. Speaking in a precise tone, she said, “I’m looking for Ms. Melvina Lane.”

“And you are?” The nurse with the nametag that read Denise inquired.

Weren’t nurses supposed to show a sense of urgency during emergency situations? Veronica had to take another deep breath. Getting upset with the nurse would not aid her in her quest.

“Veronica Martinson.”

The woman gave her a kindhearted smile that reached her eyes as she stood. “Ms. Martinson, Doctor Tavakoli has been awaiting your arrival. He asked for me to page him once you arrived.”

“What happened? I want to see my aunt.” A chill crept up Veronica’s spine. Her hands felt as if someone stuck them in a bag of ice.

Denise pulled the phone to her ear while she punched in a few buttons on the base. “The doctor will explain when he gets here.”

Veronica folded her arms across her chest and paced in front of the desk, peeping in various room windows to see if she spotted her aunt.

“Miss Martinson.”

Hearing a strong Arabic accent calling her name, Veronica turned. She spotted Dr. Tavakoli coming up the hall towards her as he clipped his pager to his hip.

“Doctor, what’s wrong with my aunt?”

Gingerly taking her by the arm, he moved her away from a waiting room filled with people into a small alcove next to a water fountain.

“Ms. Lane was admitted earlier this evening.” There was an ominous tone to his voice.

Veronica didn’t like it.

“Why?”

“She had pneumonia over the last week or so. It’s very common for people to have this and not know it. With the damage to your aunt’s lungs already from the cancer, she developed an infection. The home health nurse found her passed out in her bathroom.”

“When did you find this out? Did you know this was possible when we had her check up two months ago following the chemo? You said… that she…. was…. fine.” She fought the emotions wanting to be released to the point of the strain causing her pain as it lodged in her throat.

“It appeared that way. But, there are always ris--”

“A-p-peared? You’re supposed to be a doctor. This is a hospital. Why didn’t you know? How could you tell us this now?” Veronica fired off questions as the tears began to spill from her eyes unchecked. “What do we have now? Six months? Three months of another treatment? What?”

Dr. Tavakoli bent his head.

Veronica could see his chest expand as he took a deep breath. Then his gaze rested on her face.

“She has a day at the most.”

Veronica’s knees buckled. If it weren’t for the wall behind her and the doctor’s quick reaction, she would have fallen to the floor. Pressing her hand to her mouth, she suppressed the uncontrollable surge of emotions on the verge of erupting. She had to remind herself her aunt would need her more than ever. She couldn’t be there for her if she gave into the feelings eating away at her heart.

Using the back of her hand, she wiped the stream of tears trailing under her chin. “Why didn’t you call me when you first discovered this?

Maybe there would have been a chance to…” She gritted her teeth in disappointment, speaking to him in an accusatory voice, “Why now?”

“I’m sorry, Veronica, but it was your aunt’s wish.” He paused, as if giving her a moment to absorb it. “I have to adhere to my patient’s wishes.”

The use of her first name let her know that he was being open and sincere. “We fought the kidney cancer that had spread to her ovaries and part of her lungs. We can beat this.”

He shook his head. “The fact of the matter is with the chemo and radiation therapy having been so recent any other invasive treatment would not be an option at this point. Your aunt’s body and her immune system are both too weak.”

Veronica’s ears burned. Sucked inside of a vacuum, silence and blackness surrounded her, as her mind focused on the faint sound of a distant ringing inside her head. She took a deep breath to steady herself, clearing her head. “I want to see her, now.”

Without a word, Dr. Tavakoli led the way down the hall. Five doors away her aunt lay.

Stopping at the door, the doctor turned to her. “She has only asked for enough medication to keep the pain at bay. In a little while the nurse will come in and give her something to help her rest more comfortably through the night.”

Veronica gave him an empty nod, as he pushed the door open. She entered, barely hearing the soft catch of the door as it closed behind. She stood transfixed as she looked at her aunt lying in the hospital bed once again.

The hum and beep of machines surrounding her filled the small room, as medicine and fluids dripped through intravenous tubes in an attempt to sustain her aunt’s life.

Just three years ago, her aunt had been one of the strongest, most vibrant people she knew, now this. Again.

Underneath the cover lay a small woman who could have only weighed seventy pounds soaking wet. Her short-cropped curls framing her face at one time having accentuated her features, now made it appear starker, ashen. It had just begun to grow back, its texture having changed from the chemotherapy, to baby soft silk.

“Veronica baby, are you going to stand at that door until I pass or are you going to come speak to your old aunt?” Her aunt’s voice crackled with exhaustion as she pulled the oxygen away from her face.

Veronica was not shocked her aunt had felt her presence in the room. Auntie had always been perceptive.

“You haven’t been old a day in your life, Auntie.” Veronica wiped the tears from her face, not wanting her aunt to see her sadness. Then moving to the side of the bed, pulling up a hard wooden chair, she was grateful someone had the foresight to place a cushion in the seat.

Her aunt smiled and turned her head towards her. “Crying already, little girl?” Her aunt opened her eyes, her gaze traveled across her face. “You were always a beautiful child and so sweet.” Aunt Melvina lifted her trembling hand toward her cheek.

Veronica reached out, taking her hand and pulled it against the side of her face. As much as she tried to stop them, the tears began again. “Why didn’t you tell me, Auntie?”

She knew hurt laced her voice, but she didn’t try to disguise it. Having been there since the beginning with her aunt, she couldn’t understand why her aunt would deny her these moments.

Her aunt’s soft knobby finger brushed her skin. “Oh, my baby girl,” she began, her voice raspy. “I didn’t do it to hurt you. You have so much on your plate and you have given so much of your time to me. Cared for me when I could not…care for myself.” Her aunt’s glassy brown eyes pierced her soul, pleading with her for understanding. “I knew this was it.”

“I would do it again,” Veronica vowed. “You mean everything to me. My only fam--” Her voice broke.

“I know, baby girl. I would have had nothing without--” Aunt Melvina’s face grimaced with pain, as one of her hands clutched the top fold of the blanket and the other squeezed Veronica’s hand.

Assisting her aunt, Veronica gently slipped the nasal cannula back on her face.

Her aunt gave her a thankful look as she took a few deep breaths until the pain subsided and her face relaxed.

“Do you want me to call the nurse?” Veronica words tainted with concern.

Auntie moved the cool oxygen away again. “No,” she whispered, her voice soft and breathless. “Because I just want these moments with you. If Denise comes, I’ll sleep and I’m not ready yet.”

Veronica pressed her lips to the back of her aunt’s hand as water ran unchecked from her eyes, down her aunt’s arm.

“I don’t know what I would have done without you in my life,” her aunt confirmed.

“You’re my mother’s sister, you would’ve always had me,” Veronica reassured her.

Her mother and aunt were always close. If it hadn’t been for their bond Veronica didn’t know what would’ve happened to her after her parent’s death.

During her childhood, Veronica remembered traveling down to South Carolina to her Aunt Melvina’s home during summers and holidays.

So as not to cause more upheaval in her life, when her parents died her aunt took early retirement and relocated to Virginia. But, Veronica didn’t pity herself, with her aunt’s care and her parent’s love she’d made it through.

Giving her a wistful smile, Aunt Melvina shook her head. “It wasn’t the same. You were fourteen when Stephanie and Robert died and you became my responsibility, my baby girl, my reason to live.”

She was amazed how lucid and clear her aunt’s eyes appeared.

“Auntie--”

“Baby girl, I wanted so much for you.” Her aunt’s finger brushed her cheek again.

Veronica smiled at her aunt. “I know. You always made sure I did my best in school, not allowing my grades to slip after my parent’s death. I don’t think I would’ve made it out of high school without you. You kept me on track. I just wanted to make you proud of me.”

A tear rolled out the corner of her aunt’s eye onto the pillow beneath her head. “I am, baby girl. No mother could be more proud of her child’s career accomplish…-ment.” Her aunt took an abrasive breath and then spoke again. “Magna cum laude with your bachelors. Finishing your masters in record time with a four point average.” Her eyes closed for a moment then reopened slowly. “That hotel is going to take off…just wait and see.”

“I want to be like you.” Veronica’s voice was nasally and thick, from the overflow of tears. “You were always so strong and confident, and independent. You made it to the top of that law firm and never looked back.” She had idealized her aunt. She dreamed of growing up and being just like her, living life unencumbered.

“My child, I looked back.” A fresh flood of tears descended from Aunt Melvina’s eyes. “When you’re lying in hospital beds and you become more familiar with the smell of medicine and cleaners.” Her aunt chuckled softly. “When you can even begin to smell the unscented laundry detergent on the sheet that covers your body, but never quite keeping you warm…I looked back.”

“But your life was full. It was filled with joy--”

“Only in what I had in you.” Her aunt cut her off.

“No, auntie. You’ve accomplished more--”

Her aunt squeezed her hands, silencing her.

Veronica chided herself. Her aunt lay in the bed dying and didn’t have time for a debate.

“I have been so wrong, baby.” Aunt Melvina brought her hand up from the coverlet and clasped Veronica’s hand as it held onto her other one.

“I should’ve been more like your mother. I’m ashamed to say, I looked down on my older sister, because she gave up her career after she had you. She would try to explain to me about how her joy came from caring for you and your father.” Her aunt’s voice broke. “I didn’t understand…”

Veronica’s shoulders shook as she silently cried. She sat next to her aunt and prayed for forgiveness. All of her life she had also, looked down on her own mother, for the same reasons.

The cool soft touch of her aunt’s hand held her chin, lifting it until twin brown eyes met. The room was almost silent as their gaze locked on each other’s, the only sound in the room was her aunt’s heavy labored breaths.

“Do not make my mistake, baby girl,” her aunt’s eyes implored hers. “Don’t get so caught up in your work that you miss out on the happiness of love…” A fit of coughing broke into her words.

Veronica grabbed a handkerchief from the top of the nightstand handing it to her aunt, who promptly used it to muffle her coughs. Pulling her aunt into her arms, Veronica rubbed her back in an attempt to sooth her.

When the coughing subsided, Aunt Melvina grabbed the forgotten oxygen tube, placing it over her face she inhaled a few rattling breaths.

Nurse Denise chose that moment to walk into the room caring a syringe. Placing a comforting hand on Aunt Melvina’s shoulder she asked, “How you doing? Are you okay?”

Her aunt nodded a silent okay, then closed her eyes and relaxed.

Denise rubbed Aunt Melvina’s shoulder and arm for a moment, observantly assessing her patient. Then turning toward the monitors, the nurse’s head moved around as she mentally tabulated the status of her aunt’s well-being. She then uncapped the needle and injected medication into a valve in the IV tubing.

Returning to Aunt Melvina’s side, Denise’s cheeks pulled back into a warm smile. “That should help you become a little more comfortable and get some rest.”

The nurse gave Veronica a brief nod, and then pitched the syringe into the sharps container on the wall before she exited the room.

After the months of being in hospitals with her aunt, she understood the nurse’s silent message. Denise had held off as long as medically possible before giving her patient stronger medication that would greatly reduce her pain and put her to sleep for the night.

Veronica continued to stroke her aunt’s hand, allowing her aunt’s words to run through her mind unleashed, she would process them later.

Leaning forward, Veronica placed a kiss on the side of her aunt’s brow and then resettled herself on the cushioned seat.

Her eyes still closed, Aunt Melvina spoke softly, “These last few years have been no picnic. I am selfishly thankful you were here with me. If not for you I would have died alone...” her aunt’s voice drifted away as her breathing became heavy with sleep.

Hours had come and gone. Veronica didn’t know how long she sat there speaking quietly to her aunt as she brushed her hand across her hair, when her aunt’s heart monitor sounded.

Denise was the first to rush in, followed by two other nurses and Dr. Tavakoli. Veronica was expecting them to push her out of the way to begin the basic life support procedure.

Pushing buttons on the monitor, Denise shut the alarm off, then stepped to the bed and began assessing Veronica’s aunt. Doctor Tavakoli picked up Aunt Melvina’s chart before the other two nurses stepped forward. He turned to them and shook his head.

“Why aren’t they doing something?” Veronica stood and asked vehemently, still not releasing her aunt’s lifeless hand.

Doctor Tavakoli answered, his thick accent reverberating in the sterile room. “Your aunt made changes to her advance directive earlier this evening before I called you. She requested not to be resuscitated.” And when she stared at him, but didn’t speak, he clarified. “Your aunt asked that we not revive her upon death.”

Cold chills of despair slid along Veronica’s spine, she began to tremble.

Stepping closer to her, he placed a hand on her shaking shoulder. “My thoughts are with you and your family.”

“My family…” Her voice was thick with emotion as her gaze moved from the Doctor’s deep olive features to her aunt’s paling face. Her voice croaked as she said, “My only family just died.” Her heart heavy in her chest, Veronica wanted to scream. First her parents, now her aunt. She had never been so alone.

“Would you like us to send the chaplain up, Ms. Martinson?” Denise’s soothing voice inquired.

Veronica didn’t look away from her aunt’s face as she shook her head. She didn’t need anyone to pray for her, she was more than capable of praying for herself. What she needed was someone to hold her and tell her she would be able to survive without her aunt in her life.

“We’ll, give you some time,” Dr. Tavakoli said beside her, before he and the night shift nurses exited the room.

Her feet were rooted to the floor. She gazed down on her aunt in shock. Cold chills crawled up her spine like fingers until she felt numb to the core. Her aunt had meant the world to her, always been her rock. To lose her without warning, after the years of struggling to sustain her life felt unfair.

Leaning over, she kissed her aunt’s hollow cheek. “I love you, Auntie.” She finally let go of her aunt’s hand and placed it on the bed alongside her body then turned and walked out.

At the end of the corridor, she turned and took one look back, for a moment hoping to see her aunt walking out of the room, telling her that it all had been a bad dream. When the doctor and nurses filed out of Aunt Melvina’s room, their faces a mask of sadness, she knew this was her reality.

Right now there was only one place she wanted to be. Only one person could understand what she was going through and give her the support that she needed.