Live, Love...Last

Casey stepped back to regain his balance and tried to switch hands with his iPhone to free up a hand to hold on. When he felt Deshawn touching him, Casey lit on fire instantly. Yes, the touch was helpful, not sexual, but Casey had dreamed of he and Deshawn touching for a nearly six weeks. Using his free hand, Casey clasped the pole from behind Deshawn’s back which made them feel as if Casey had his hand around Deshawn’s waist. They could so easily lean on each other. And if Casey hadn’t struggled not to, they would be.

The rumble of the train made talking slightly harder. Of course Casey could nibble Deshawn’s ear from where he was, and the urge to do it was overwhelming. As the train car stopped and started, Casey couldn’t prevent getting nudged into Deshawn. “Sorry.”

Deshawn smiled sweetly. “It’s okay.”

Casey moaned in his head and wanted so much to brush up against Deshawn, again and again. “So...uh, you live in Oakland?”

“Yes. Very close to the train station. Where do you get on?”

“Richmond.”

“Oh. That’s only five stops away.” Deshawn smiled again.

Casey wanted to ask him for a date. Hey, how about we get together on Saturday? See the latest techno flick?

The amount Casey craved to ask Deshawn out was painful.

They stayed quiet for the rest of the Muni ride, until their transfer station to BART arrived.

Casey waited for Deshawn and once again they walked side by side. “I’ve seen you on the train for over a month.”

“I started the new job the beginning of January.” Deshawn adjusted his backpack on his shoulder.

“I wanted to say hi, but I’m just not good at it.”

“Me too.” Deshawn climbed the staircase and they kept pace to the BART turnstiles. In sync they swiped their cards and the plastic guards opened like two swans fluttering their wings.

~

Deshawn knew if they were going to get to know

each other, he had to act quickly. His stop came before Casey’s on the rail line. Yes, he could just go home, put his dinner into the microwave oven, and play computer games all night, or...

They kept exact pace down the stairs, as if they had a choreographed dance routine, to the lower platform. Like twins, they stood at the same spot on the platform where a door was marked to stop.

“Do you live at home?” Deshawn decided to tread carefully around any relationship questions, though he was dying to ask.

“No. I have a cheap, one-bedroom apartment. It’s crappy but at least it’s mine.”

“Me too.” Deshawn looked down at his brown loafers. He liked them shiny. When he did, he noticed a gleam on Casey’s lace-up black shoes. It made him smile again.

“What?” “I like your shoes.” Casey glanced down. “They need a shine. I usually

do them on the weekend.” “Me too.” Deshawn garnered up his courage, pushed

his glasses higher on his nose and asked, “Do you live alone?”

“Yes, you?”

The reply was so quick, Deshawn took a moment to catch up. He said, “Yes. Alone.”

They both nodded in acknowledgement.

The question of sexuality loomed. Why wasn’t there an obvious sign? Deshawn was very nervous about tossing that out there. The last thing he wanted was for Casey to go cold on him, avoid the same train cars, or worse, give him nasty sneers. There were some horrible people in the world and Deshawn didn’t want a run in with one.

Then Casey asked, “Do you have a girlfriend?” They were getting closer to an answer to their riddle. Deshawn took a leap of faith. Casey appeared so

sweet and harmless. He braced himself for the kindness to morph into violent hatred. He’d felt it before simply for being black. Being black and gay? Deshawn was very careful indeed. But something about Casey felt safe. “I...I don’t date girls.” Deshawn winced as if waiting

for the venom. “Phew.” Casey laughed, sounding very nervous. Before Deshawn could get a follow-up sentence to

that one-word answer, the train arrived, noisy, vibrating the area. They entered the car after some commuters got off, and again, stood together at the opposite side of the car, holding onto the pole.

Deshawn waited for Casey to clarify. When Casey appeared distracted Deshawn asked, “Do you date girls?”

“No.” Casey didn’t smile, as if he were hesitant about revealing who he was as well. Even in the liberal area of California where they worked, each of them appeared very leery. And with good reason. There were nutcases out there, more now than ever, who seemed to think men loving men was cause for hatred, discrimination, or worse.

“So...do you have a boyfriend?” Deshawn was so far out of his comfort zone with this conversation he was sweating under his coat and shirt. His glasses kept sliding down his nose so he had to keep pushing them up.

“No. You?”

The train car shook as it took off, making them adjust their stance wider and their shoes touched. Deshawn liked it, so he didn’t move. Neither did Casey.

As the noise grew inside the car, Deshawn leaned to Casey’s ear. “No. I’m alone.”

Casey nodded, and they met gazes. The communication and understanding was instant. Deshawn noticed smudges on Casey’s glasses, and he wanted to take them and wipe them for him. His vision moved to Casey’s mouth, and he saw Casey’s nerves as Casey bit his lower lip.

A long moment passed until they pulled into the next station and the noise abated. Deshawn asked, “You...um...do you have to head right home?”