Holding On

Chapter One
Brandi McNeal had run out of money and luck.
Daily expenses drained the meager income she’d made waiting tables faster than she’d planned. Gas for her Ford F-150 and diapers for her daughter ate up months of pay in a matter of weeks.
What choice did she have but to return home to Abilene?
Home.
She laughed, struck by the irony of the situation. The home she left months ago and now sought solace in. Resting her head on the front door of her family's ranch, she sighed. Her brother was not going to be happy.
“That’s an understatement,” she mumbled to herself.
He was going to be downright ticked when she revealed what kept her away.
Brandi inhaled. The smell of animals tickled her nose. She looked toward the barns. A yearning washed over her. The darkness of the night obscured her view of the corrals and the rolling pastures surrounding the structures, yet she pictured each fenced area in her head.
A whimper came from her side. She smiled at her daughter's warning. Suzy wanted her bottle. At six weeks old, Suzy didn't like to wait for her meals.
Mustering her last bit of courage, Brandi clutched the car seat in a firmer grip then raised her hand to ring the doorbell. She paused, gave a silent prayer, and pushed the button.
"If it's that salesman again…," her brother said from the other side.
She held her breath. The knob turned. The door opened.
Troy stood inside the threshold. He shook his head.
"Brandi?" He reached out to her but stopped short. His gaze traveled to the baby carrier. His eyes widened.
"Aren't you going to welcome me home?" She bit her trembling lip.
"Who is it, honey?" Chell came up from behind Troy. "Brandi! Come in. Why are you standing there?" She nudged her husband aside with her elbow. "Let her in."
Troy stepped out of the way.
Brandi walked through the entrance.
Chell gasped.
Troy's brown eyes zeroed in on her before swinging back to the baby.
I can do this. I have to do this.
Brandi placed the seat on the floor. She pulled the pink, fuzzy blanket away from the baby’s body.
"Cripes, she can't be more than a few weeks old." Troy looked at Brandi. He ran his fingers through his sandy brown hair and down his jaw. Shaking his head, he grabbed Brandi's hand and pulled her into his arms.
"What the hell have you gotten yourself into now?" he asked with his chin resting on the top of her head.
Brandi's voice lodged in her throat. Her heart pounded in her chest. She practiced this story every day for the past two months. Face to face, it became difficult to tell Troy about her recent past. Gazing up into his disappointed eyes, Brandi's vision blurred with unshed tears.
Why did I stay away?
Troy kissed her forehead and squeezed her tight against him. He stepped back and crossed his arms over his chest. The shock on his face gave way to irritation.
Suzy let out a squeak, gaining everyone's attention. Chell swept her long, golden hair off to one side and removed the infant from the seat.
"Come here, you sweet baby." Chell brushed her lips across the top of Suzy’s head as she stood.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Troy glared at Brandi.
"I—I couldn't." Steeling herself from his anger, she wiped her eyes with the back of her hands.
He always said she spoke without considering the consequences, acted without thinking. Not to mention the endless, I told you so's, she didn't want to hear.
"Cut the crap." He ran a hand through his tousled hair. "You didn't want to own up to your mistakes."
Chell glared at her husband on her way to the living room.
"You're wrong. My daughter is not a mistake, but coming home may have been." She shook her head and turned to follow Chell.
"Don't let him get to you. He's hurt because you didn't come to him," Chell whispered.
"Yeah. Right," Brandi reached into her bag. "It's time for Suzy to eat. She hasn't been changed in a while either."
"I'll do it. Does her bottle need to be heated?" Chell laid the baby on the plaid couch.
"Just mixed. She likes her milk at room temperature. Don't you, sweetie?" Brandi ran a finger down Suzy's soft cheek.
"Lucky you. If Hannah's bottles got to be room temperature during a feeding, she’d scream until I warmed them up." Chell laughed.
"Where is my niece?" Brandi glanced around the room. With the exception of a playpen and baby swing by the brick fireplace, the room remained identical to the day she left.
"Sleeping," Troy said from the doorway.
"Oh. I’d hoped to see her before she went to bed."
"Why? You haven't bothered with her for the past seven months.” He scowled and leaned back on the wall.
"She had other things on her mind. Isn't that right, pumpkin?" Chell picked Suzy and the discarded diaper up. “We’ll go throw this away.”
"Why didn't you tell me? I would’ve helped you," Troy grumbled, shoving off the painted surface to stand before her.
"I'm twenty-four years old. I can take care of myself, as well as my baby. I need a leg-up, that’s all." She sat on the sofa and smoothed her dark hair back from her face with shaking hands. Knowing she should have told him everything during one of their few telephone conversations didn't matter. The words never came. Now Troy convicted her without a trial.
Suzy let out a yell and Brandi stood. She should tend to her baby, but knew Chell would take care of her. She really needed to clear the air with Troy. Clasping her hands, she sat down and looked up. He stood, feet braced apart, hands on his hips.
"Why'd you come back?" His eyes glared down at her.
"I missed you. All of you. I want to meet my niece. I want to hear the animals at night while I fall asleep. I want to smell the fresh air when I go outside." Feeling a bit sheepish, she swallowed the lump forming in her throat. "And I need a place to stay while I look for a job."
I also need to tell him about the rodeo—that I’ve already given permission to hold—at the Double M.
She'd save that bit of information for later.
"Where's the father?"
Chell walked back into the room carrying Suzy, who ate at her fists. "You’re hungry, aren't you, little one?" She kissed her cheek. Brandi stood, crossed the room and took her daughter from her sister-in-laws arms.
Returning to her seat, Brandi placed the nipple of a bottle in her daughter's searching mouth.
"I asked you a question. Where is the father?" Troy stepped closer.
"He doesn't know, okay?"
"He got you pregnant and left?" His booming voice echoed off the walls.
Brandi closed her eyes. "No. I didn’t tell him." She lifted her chin in defiance.
"Why the hell not? He has a responsibility to the baby and has a right to know." Troy's shook his head, obviously confused.
"The baby's name is Suzy. I can take care of her without him." Brandi glanced at Chell who sat on the rocking chair in the corner.
Troy ambled to the window. He placed his hands on the ledge and sighed. "What do you want from me, Brandi?"
"Not a damn thing. Forget it. I'll stay somewhere else." With tears in her eyes, Brandi shot to her feet.
"Sit down." Troy turned quickly to face her again.
Brandi remained standing. "If you'd rather not have me here, I can find another place to go." She wanted to walk out right now but her tired feet remained glued to the floor. After driving the last couple of hours and dealing with the past few days, exhaustion was settling in.
"Don't be ridiculous," Chell chided.
"I'm sorry if I disrupted your life." While she may need her brother’s help, she refused to beg. Gathering her last bit of energy and courage, she stared into his eyes until he turned away.
Troy rubbed his five o’clock shadow and inhaled. "I didn't mean you can't stay here."
Ready to drop, Brandi lowered onto the sofa. "I don't want a handout. I'll help out around the house. We won't be a burden. I promise." She brought the baby up to her shoulder and rubbed her back.
"Nonsense. You’re family. This is your home, too, no matter whose name is on the deed." Chell crossed to her husband and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Right?"
Troy looked down at his wife. "We're still going."
"We can postpone," Chell whispered.
"What's going on?" Brandi glanced between the two.
Chell smiled, giving a dismissive wave. "We're supposed to leave tomorrow for a mini-vacation, but it can wait."
"No," Troy growled. "You've been excited about this trip from the get-go."
"We can go another time."
"We're going tomorrow." He placed his arm around her shoulders and guided her to his lips for a kiss.
"Don't cancel because of me. I'll be okay." Brandi shifted Suzy down on her chest as her eyes drifted shut.
Chell sighed. "You sure?"
"Don't be silly. We'll be fine."
"She's been on her own for close to a year. A few more days aren't going to matter." Troy dropped his arm from around Chell's neck.
Chell nodded. "Why don’t we put the playpen in your old room, Brandi? All your things are the way you left them."
"I have a portable crib in my truck." Brandi rose to her feet.
"I'll get it." Troy yanked his boots on. Before anyone said otherwise, he stomped out the door.
Brandi hoped the rest of the night went better. At least she was home, the place she longed to be since having Susanna. Facing pregnancy and labor by herself strengthened her backbone, but the next few days would be a true test of her character. After all, she would have to tell Troy about the father. Worse yet, she will have to tell the father. For now, she’d stay away from him, which may prove impossible, considering he lived on Double M soil.
Shifting her thoughts away from him, she yawned. "Would you hold her, Chell? I have a few things I should help bring in." Her desire to smooth things over with Troy reigned high in her thoughts.
Staring at the door Troy exited, Chell turned. "You don’t need an excuse to go after your brother. Besides, it'll give me time with this precious baby."
Brandi released Suzy to her aunt's waiting arms. The door clicked shut behind her.
Troy gave her a momentary look.
"What are you doing? Go back in with your baby. I can manage.” Troy opened the tailgate.
"Chell has her. You know, despite what you think of me, I can pull my own weight." She hoisted herself onto the metal. “I know I’ve disappointed you, but I will make things right for my daughter.”
He placed his forearms on the side of the truck bed. "Let's get something straight right now—"
"I think you've said enough." She slid a box to the edge.
"Have I?"
She fired off the first point. "I've let you down." She raised another finger. "I acted without thinking." A third digit flipped up. "I need to get my life together."
"Are you done?"
"No." She lugged the cradle forward.
"Too bad. Now shut up and listen to me." He motioned for her to come down off the truck. Too tired to argue, Brandi sat, her legs hanging over the tailgate.
”What did you expect when you came here?"
She shrugged. "I don’t know."
"I do." He placed his hands in his front pockets. "Mom."
Brandi swung her feet back and forth. Her parents' sudden passing caused by a drunk driver had been a blow to everyone.
"She always knew what to do with you, what to say."
"Yeah." She smiled at the memories. Her dad and Troy often got frustrated with Brandi whenever she helped with the animals. The majority of the time, her efforts brought about catastrophes. Her mother always said, “What’s a ranch without a loose horse or two, a few crazy goats running amuck, or a heifer in the bullpen?” She’d send the men back to the barn and share a good laugh with Brandi.
"I want you here. This is your home, too," Troy continued. "I'll do what I can, but I can't fix this for you."
"I don't expect you to."
"You have to tell Suzy's father. The least he can do is share in the expense."
"I plan to get a job. It shouldn't be too bad."
"What about Suzy?"
Brandi bowed her head. "I have to find a babysitter."
"Mom and Dad left me this ranch, but they left you a sizable inheritance, you know."
"I can't have the money until my twenty-fifth birthday." She frowned.
"That’s only a couple of months away."
"I know, and after I have the money I can stay home with Suzy for a few more months, if not a year. But I have to figure out something until then."
"Mom and dad were protecting you from your wild ways. I mean, let's face it, you've been hard to hold down since you turned sixteen." Troy shook his head. "Hard to believe they've been gone for two years."
Brandi jumped down and embraced her brother. She longed to reconnect with Troy from the moment she knocked on the front door. He squeezed her, stepped back, and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Let's get your things inside."
By the time Brandi put Suzy to bed, her whole body hurt from lack of sleep.
About twelve hours of it sounded good.
Pulling the covers back, she slid beneath the sheets and slipped into her reoccurring nightmare of telling Suzy’s father about her.
* * * *
The next morning, Brandi woke, surprised to find it was after ten. She rubbed the haze from her eyes and checked on a sleeping Suzy.
Now she decides to sleep.
During the night, Suzy got up every two hours wanting to eat. Finally, after four hours, she was sleeping like an angel. Taking the monitor off the dresser, Brandi hooked the device to her pants and headed downstairs to the kitchen.
"Morning," Brandi said to Chell. "This must be my beautiful niece."
Brandi crossed to the highchair where Hannah waited for her next spoonful of carrots.
“You look like your daddy’s baby pictures, but you’re much prettier like your momma.” Brandi touched the end of Hannah’s nose.
"Can you say 'hi' to your Aunt Brandi?" Chell addressed the baby, who smiled a toothless grin, oozing the mush out of her mouth.
Brandi laughed. "I'm so sorry I didn't come back when you delivered Hannah. I hope you can forgive me."
"You're here now, aren't you?" Chell smiled.
"Seven months late, but thanks for trying to make me feel better." Brandi touched the top of Hannah's head.
"How'd you sleep last night?" Chell spooned the food off the baby's chin.
"Suzy got up quite a bit." Brandi crossed the large country kitchen to the cupboard in search of a bowl. She ran a hand over the smooth wooden shelf. The vice around her heart squeezed tight with the memory of her mother. Her mother had decorated the room to match the pictures she’d cut out of magazines of her dream kitchen, giving the clean white walls accents of burgundy and wood. The renovations finished a mere week before her death.
"We still have those nights, don't we, sweet pea?" Chell gave Hannah the last bit of carrots. "By the way, I have an intercom hooked up. You can hear everything through the base on the counter." She pointed behind Brandi.
The screen door squeaked. Both women turned.
"You about ready?" Troy walked over and kissed his wife.
Chell nodded. She lifted her daughter out of the seat. "I can't believe you're done with everything. I figured you wouldn’t be in for a few more hours."
"Dex and I worked everything out the other day. I'd help with the morning chores, and he'd handle the afternoon. Besides, I talked to Jake. He's going to stop in to help out."
Brandi’s pulse accelerated just hearing Dex Walczok’s name. She poured milk over her cereal and sloshed the liquid over the side, landing it on the counter. A fixture of the ranch for the past twelve years, Dex served as employee and was her brother’s best friend. He’d been Brandi's friend, too, at one point.
"Jake doesn't work here anymore?" When Brandi left, Jake Dutson worked on the ranch as one of three foremen. Stan Michaels, the oldest of the cowhands, oversaw everything, while Dex and Jake worked side-by-side training and caring for the horses.
Troy rinsed Hannah's bowl in the sink. "Jake bought his own place nearby. We exchange duties a lot, especially when we are at full capacity. They can handle things until I get back." He glanced at Brandi over his shoulder. "You need anything before we go?"
"No." Grabbing a towel, she wiped up her mess.
"You sure?" Chell grabbed bottles out of the refrigerator.
"Yes. Go. Have a good time."
How in the hell am I going to avoid Dex?
"Our cell number is by the phone, if you need to reach us." Chell gave her a quick squeeze.
"Bye, little one. I can't wait to get to know you." Brandi kissed Hannah's head.
Troy stood back. "We'll only be gone a few days. Dex is here if you need anything. Shit, I forgot to tell him you're back."
Thank you for small favors.
"I'm sure I'll meet up with him later."
He reached for her. "I missed you."
"I'll be here when you get back." She stepped out of his arms.
“See you in a couple of days.” He headed for the hall.
A couple of days.
The rodeo would be well on its way.
"Hey, come to think of it, I do need to run something by you," Brandi called out.
Troy frowned. "What?"
Her hunger long gone, she put her bowl in the sink. "I want to hold a benefit rodeo on the Double M."
She wished for more time to prepare her words, but with the event scheduled to take place in a couple of weeks, time wasn't on her side.
“The publicity would be great for the ranch. It would let people know exactly what you do on the Double M. How you take in abused horses, retrain, and sell them to good homes.”
"A benefit for what?" He rested on the doorframe.
"The hospital in Lubbock. I owe them money from Suzy's delivery and everything."
"What about insurance?" He crossed his arms over his chest.
"The type of coverage I carried didn’t pay Suzy's entire bill. Any money we raise beyond the balance of her bill will go to the Neonatal Unit." She snatched a quick gulp of air and rushed on. "I organized a few fundraisers on the side while I was waitressing. They turned out wonderful. This is the biggest one I've done. I know I can make it a success."
"Hold on. Back up." Troy held up his hands, defending himself from the flow of words rushing from her mouth. "What insurance did you have? You didn't use the Double M’s. If you had, I would've received the statements."
"No. I no longer lived or worked here. I had no insurance. Waitresses don't get coverage through their employers. I bought it on my own. The benefits weren't the greatest.”
“What about a medical card?”
“Apparently my inheritance played a part in the denial. They also wanted the father's information. I didn't have it." She grimaced. She couldn't give the father's information away unless she wanted the whole ranch to know her situation.
He straightened. "You amaze me. Would it have hurt you to suck it up? Pick up the phone and call the father? Hell, I would've put you on the books or whatever I needed to do." He rubbed a hand over his face as Chell hollered for him from the front door. "I gotta go. What if I say no?"
She shrugged while her eyes pleaded with him. "You have the room."
Please, don't turn me down.
"We have the space, not the time. We're too busy to organize a function this big."
"You won't have to. I'll do the work." She crossed her fingers behind her back. With plans already underway for the rodeo to take place on the Double M, she needed his approval and quick.
"I can't believe you. You don't come around for months. When you do, it's with one surprise after the other. What else do you have up your sleeve?"
"Troy, Hannah's getting fussy." Chell hollered again.
"I don’t have time for this right now. Talk to Dex. He and I are partners. Whatever he decides will be okay with me."
What?
Oh no!
"When did you give him half of the ranch?" Her voice squeaked.
"We had trouble a while back." He shrugged his shoulders. "Taking him on is one of best decisions I ever made." He reached into his back pocket
"Use this for anything you need until you get back on your feet." He held a plastic card out to her.
As much as it pained her, she accepted the credit card.
"Thank you. I'll pay you back." Tears filled her eyes.
Damn hormones.
"Don't worry about it. You’re my sister, I want to help you." He headed out the door.
Brandi stared after him as he retreated. Now she could pick up more formula and diapers for Suzy.
She squinted out the window, lost in thought. Dex owned half the Double M. She absorbed this new information.
Now what?
She'd have to rethink her strategy.
A squeal sounded from her the baby monitor attached to her hip. Pushing all other thoughts aside, she hurried up the stairs.
"Good morning, my angel." She picked Suzy up and started her daily ritual. Brandi bathed her in the warm sudsy water, earning a toothless grin. She rubbed lotion over Suzy’s soft, sweet skin.
“How about a purple jumper today?” Brandi put the clothes on her small body and wrapped her up in a receiving blanket. Planting a kiss on Suzy's delicate forehead, she sighed. Brandi treasured their time together when Suzy first woke. She never wanted to give it up, but after her brother's bombshell, her mind raced.
I have to keep Dex and Suzy apart.
She sat on the bed with Suzy to feed her. Cute suckling noises escaped Suzy's mouth as she drank. A drop of milk ran down her tiny chin that Brandi wiped away with a towel. Once Suzy finished, she burped and Brandi nabbed one last sniff of her sweet scent. She kissed the baby's head and positioned her in the cradle.
I’ll have to tell Dex he’s a daddy. No way around it.
Setting the car seat on the bed, she extracted the breast pump from her bag and plopped down on the mattress. Suzy had trouble nursing from the day she exited the womb. Not wanting her to miss the vitamins, Brandi resorted to pumping.
Expelling the last of her milk, Brandi labeled the bottle with the date and time. She exchanged her own pajamas for shorts and a T-shirt, ran a brush through her hair and placed a baseball cap low on her forehead. She needed to make a trip into town. Suzy was almost out of formula and diapers. Not to mention her own personal items were running quite low.
Suzy let out a wail.
"Okay, baby girl. One more bottle." The breast milk not being enough to fill Suzy's belly, left Brandi with no choice but to substitute every other bottle.
Once Suzy was settled in her seat, Brandi covered her head with a bonnet and placed a light blanket over the baby. Grabbing her wallet and the diaper bag, they headed down the stairs.
Careful to stay outside the line of sight of the ranch hands, she hurried to her truck. She latched the baby seat into the base. Unable to help herself, she gave the barn and pastures a quick scan, pleased that none of the hands working in the back pasture seemed to notice her.
And no sign of Dex.
She glanced toward his cabin and sighed.
"This may not be too bad." She turned the key and maneuvered the vehicle down the driveway.
* * * *
By the time they returned home, the sun had set. After the long day of errands and spending most of the evening at the park, Brandi wanted nothing more than to crash in bed. She spent the better part of the day making sure everything was organized for the rodeo. The mental and physical exhaustion of juggling the rodeo and her baby wore her out.
Brandi tried not to jostle the car seat and wake Suzy on her way to the front door. She tiptoed up the stairs, gingerly picked her daughter up and placed her in the cradle.
Going to her mirror, she pulled her hair back in a ponytail and coughed. The dust from the road settled in her throat. She needed to wash it down before relieving her full breasts of milk. She walked into the hall to go back downstairs for a bottle of water.
Hearing a noise, she spun around. Dex stood in front of the bathroom door, naked except for the white towel secured around his waist.
How will I get out of this one?
She swept her eyes over his body and swallowed.
And how can a man look so damn good?