Head Shy

Dan is pretty much beyond conscious thought. He's always liked getting lost in sex, letting the sensations take over, turning off his confusing, contradictory brain and just reacting to stimuli, but with Jeff and Evan, with twice as much stimulation, and all of it so damn good—it's almost scary how far into it he gets. They've both been working on him, hands and lips and tongues and teeth, their warm bodies stretched out along his, moving and pressing and rolling into him, and he couldn't even say how long it's been going on for, but it feels like forever. His cock is so hard that it hurts, so sensitive that he knows it would only take a couple strokes to get him off, but neither one of them seems inclined to give that to him, and he's too busy feeling them all over his body to take any initiative himself. It would be a problem, if his brain was conscious enough to recognize it, but as it is, it's more like he's in a dream, a great dream, but one where he can't really do anything, just feel and enjoy.
He's on his side now, facing Jeff, and they're kissing deep and wet and slow, one of Jeff's hands wrapped in Dan's hair, the other running along his ribs, his ass, pulling Dan's thigh over to rest on top of Jeff's, as Jeff's leg moves forward to nestle between Dan's. It's almost close enough that Dan could grind into it, but he's not really feeling coordinated enough to manage that without Jeff's help, and Jeff doesn't seem too inclined to give it.
Evan's behind Dan, his body long and hard and always so warm, pressing in, one arm wrapped around Dan's chest. His cock is nestled in between Dan's ass cheeks, moving back and forth in tiny, slow motions, just barely touching Dan's balls before pulling back, and it feels good, and Dan's body doesn't know whether to push back into that or forward into Jeff's hardness. He ends up doing neither, just relaxing and letting them do what they think is best; they've been managing pretty well so far.
The relaxation disappears with a start when Evan shifts and Dan feels his ass being spread a little more, feels the cool, wet pressure of Evan's finger against his hole. Dan has to fight through the fog, but the finger slips in a little, then back out, and it's enough to bring him back to himself completely. Dan's eyes open and he sees Jeff, frowning as he notices Dan's reaction and looks over to see what Evan's up to. Then the finger's in again, a little further, and Evan's face is next to Dan's, their stubbled cheeks rubbing together, and Evan nuzzles him gently. "This is okay, right? You're ready?" Dan doesn't say anything, still trying to sort out the pieces of his thoughts, put them back together in enough order to allow him to speak. Evan groans a little at the wait. "Come on, man, it's been months." The finger doesn't go any deeper, just teases around the opening, sliding in and out, running around the edge. Dan's not sure how he coordinated it, but Evan's obviously gotten some lube involved, making everything smooth and easy. "I'll make it good, Danny, I promise…"
Evan's face is too close and too far off to the side for Dan to really be able to focus on him, so he looks at Jeff instead, sees the careful neutrality that the man seems to have adopted as his standard expression whenever Dan and Evan disagree. Dan doesn't really want to see that expression right now, and he closes his eyes again. Evan's right; it's been months, and Evan's been wanting this for the whole time, and he's been really good about Dan's hesitations, just suggesting and then backing away without making it a big deal. But Dan's seen him getting more frustrated and impatient, and maybe it's just time to give in. He keeps his eyes shut, pulls his head away from Jeff and nudges Evan a little, making enough room so that Dan can roll over onto his stomach. He brings his arms up and crosses them in front of him, making a little cradle so he can hide his face.
Evan's finger hasn't gone, but it's stopped moving. Dan thought the body language was clear, but maybe not. "Yeah, okay, dude, go to it."
Evan's laugh is a little tight. "Uh… like this?"
Dan takes a deep breath. If he's going to do it, he might as well do it all the way. "Fuck, then, how do you want me?"
Evan's hand moves away, and Dan figures he's getting more lube, but he doesn't sense any further motion. He waits a bit, and then lifts his head enough to sneak a look over at Evan, who's looking over Dan's back, clearly having some sort of silent conference with Jeff. And Dan feels like the awkward third wheel. Again. "Dude, if we're doing this, let's go. I'm getting cold." But that backfires, because Jeff just shifts his body closer, brings an arm up to cover Dan's shoulder blades, sharing his warmth, and it would really be a lot easier to get through this without being reminded of Jeff.
"Any chance you might roll back over?" Jeff clarifies his intention with a gentle shove against Dan's back, but when Dan resists, the pressure stops, turns into a gentle kneading. "I think we may need a little more talk about this."
Dan isn't sure whether that was directed to him or to Evan, or to both, but he doesn't think he needs to pay any attention to it; there is nothing here that he ever wants to talk about. He can still see Evan, lying on his side, looking torn, and Dan lifts his head enough to free an arm and reach over, grabbing Evan's shining finger and pulling it down to its original position. "Seriously, man, let's go." He tilts his pelvis, canting his ass up into Evan's hand, and guides Evan's finger into place, pushing it in further than before.
Evan groans and rolls back in towards Dan, and Dan can feel Evan's hard length rubbing against his hip. "One more finger and we're good, Jay. Come on." Dan rocks his ass in a sort of circular motion, working the finger and also brushing his hip against Evan's cock. That's got to work, surely. Dan can feel a little tremble run through Evan's body, and he figures he's won.
But Jeff's there again, sliding down so he can nuzzle his face in next to Dan's, kissing his temple softly on the scar left from his fall. "Come on, sweetheart, look at me. You don't have to talk, just let me see you." He runs his hand down Dan's back, rubs along his waist, and then goes a little lower, gentle but insistent pressure stilling the motion of Dan's hips. All the while, he's nuzzling and kissing the parts of Dan's face that he can reach, sucking on his ear lobe, finding the spot on his neck that he knows sends hot chills down Dan's whole body. Dan's body is strong enough that he could resist, but he can't ever really say no to Jeff, not when they're like this, and he lets his hips rest, feels Evan's finger slide out, but not far, just resting, Evan's whole hand spread out and warm over Dan's skin.
"Let me see you, now. Or at least give me a real kiss…." Jeff's breath whumps out of him in surprise at Dan's speed, his hand lifting and grabbing Jeff's hair, pulling his face down just as Dan lifts his face up, bringing their mouths together in a kiss that's so hard it would be brutal except for the softness of Dan's tongue, wrapping around Jeff's, pushing them together. Dan wants this, wants Jeff, always, but he also wants to get back to that easy, lust-sedated state where he didn't have to think, or talk, or feel anything but good.
Jeff's too passive now, though, lying back and letting Dan take charge, and that's not how it was before, and Evan's not doing anything now, not that Dan can blame him, and the whole situation is too much. Dan pulls back and avoids meeting Jeff's eyes. He flips himself over and slides down to the bottom of the bed, his standard escape route when, as usually happens, he gets stuck in the middle. There's underwear there, and he thinks it's his, but they all wear boxer briefs so who really knows or cares. He just pulls it on and heads for the door. "I'm gonna take a break."
This is allowed. It's been a while since he's needed one, but early on, when things regularly got way too intense for him, Jeff had negotiated the time out system. Dan takes one when he needs one, but he's agreed not to leave the house they're in, not without coming back and letting them know. It had been Evan who'd added the 'leave your clothes in the bedroom' corollary; Dan has to admit it kind of makes sense.
They're at Jeff's, and Dan almost steps on Lou, stretched out in the hallway outside the bedroom door. He mutters an apology to her, and she apparently takes it as an invitation to accompany him to the kitchen. He doesn't know what he wants there, but Lou seems pretty clear, staring at the fridge like it's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen. Jeff and Evan are both pretty strict about their dogs not getting people food, but the animals have all figured out that Dan's the weak link in that chain of rules. He pulls the fridge door open and peers inside. He absentmindedly reaches for a beer for himself, and then looks around for something for Lou.
"Chicken? Or cheese?" She nods in general agreement, and Dan pulls out a leftover chicken breast from dinner. "You can't have it all, sweetheart; Jeff would be pissed." He takes a bite and spits it out at her. She catches it in mid-air and swallows it immediately. Dan takes another bite, but keeps it this time. "You see this? It's called chewing. Enjoying. You might want to look into it." He swallows the bite and takes another, spits it at her and then takes one for himself. He twists the lid off his beer and takes a long pull, then splits another bite of chicken with Lou. His hands aren't shaking anymore, so that's a good thing. He's not startled when he hears Jeff's voice over his shoulder. He'd figured he was about due for a visit.
"You could put it on a plate, heat it up."
"Couldn't be any tastier than it is now, man. Besides, Lou doesn't like her snacks too hot."
"You feed my dog so much human food that you know her temperature preferences?" Jeff's arms come around Dan's torso, not exactly tentative but clearly prepared to withdraw, but Dan doesn't really feel like he needs more space right now. He leans back against Jeff, feels the soft cotton of his sweatpants and the rough hair of his bare chest, then lifts the last bite of chicken and offers it to the general direction of Jeff's face. Dan feels Jeff's weight shift a little as he leans forward, and then warm lips wrap around Dan's finger tips, taking the chicken and licking the sauce from Dan's skin. Damn. Dan had been completely soft by the time he left the bedroom, but he hasn't actually come yet, as his dick is happy to remind him.
Jeff pulls his head back a little, sparing Dan the sound of someone chewing right in his ear, then runs a hand down and wraps around Dan's fingers as they hold the beer bottle. Jeff guides the bottle up over Dan's shoulder to take a drink, then gently releases Dan and steps away. "I'm going to go paint for a bit. You want to come model?"
Dan kind of does. He can't explain why, but the modeling is really relaxing, just sitting there, not talking, watching Jeff work… but he's not sure if this is the right time for it. "Is Evan pissed?"
Jeff shakes his head. "No." Dan guesses Jeff is still close enough to see that Dan's body isn't relaxing, and he steps around a little, his hand lifting Dan's face so he can see his eyes. "No," he repeats firmly. "He's a bit frustrated, but at the situation, not at you. He's mostly confused, and…." Jeff shrugs. "We're both a little concerned." Dan tries to shrug his face away, but Jeff holds him for an extra second. "Because we care about you."
Dan manages to nod, and it earns him his freedom. Jeff smiles, and then it turns into a grin. "Plus, I blew him after you left, so he's got nothing to complain about. He's probably already asleep."
Dan pauses, then checks the clock on the wall. "But, wait…I only left a couple minutes ago, and your blowjobs take, what, three or four hours? I don't get it…."
Jeff smiles wickedly. "I have tricks you haven't seen yet, grasshopper." He steps backwards. "Come get painted. Or don't, but don't give the dog any more food—she already follows you around like you're her personal lord and savior."
"Yeah, I save her from the boredom of constant kibble." Dan tips his beer up and swallows the last of it, then heads over to the fridge. "You want one of your own? Or just keep mooching off me?"
"Dude, it's my house—they're all mine."
Dan rolls his eyes. "Okay, fine… do you want me to have one of my own, or just keep mooching off yours? That I'm going to be holding, and drinking most of."
Jeff nods. "That's more like it. And, yes, please, help yourself to one of my beers when you get one for me."
Dan shakes his head as he reaches into the fridge. "You know, for the record, I think Evan brought these over on Monday."
"Once they're in my fridge, they're mine." Jeff starts towards his studio, Dan trailing behind him. "You're just lucky I'm so generous with my belongings."
Jeff flips on the lights and then takes his beer from Dan. He's watching Dan closely, but this is just part of the modeling, Dan figures, Jeff trying to figure out lighting or angles or… whatever the hell it is that artists care about. Dan isn't even alarmed when Jeff reaches for the digital camera. They've done this before too, and Dan was really uncomfortable at the start, but Jeff had just shrugged and put the camera down, and eventually Dan had picked it up and started playing with it, and Jeff had shown him a couple tricks, and now it's part of the deal, Dan taking pictures of Jeff, Jeff taking pictures of Dan, all of them erased by the end of the session, except for the few times that Jeff has asked to save ones so he can work while Dan's not available. And Dan's saved a couple of Jeff, too, and he's sure Jeff must have noticed, but he hasn't said anything. Maybe Dan will get them printed some time, maybe he won't. It's nice to keep his options open.
But now Jeff's snapping away, and Dan just ignores him. He raises an eyebrow to ask for permission to look at Jeff's easel; he's not sure if that's necessary or not, but it seems polite. He knows that Jeff doesn't always want to show off all his work, and at the start he didn't want Dan to look at pictures of himself before they were finished, afraid that it would make Dan's posing seem self-conscious. But he slipped once, let Dan see a half-finished canvas, and it hadn't affected Dan's posing at all. He honestly has too little of an idea about what Jeff's doing to be able to make any half-way useful attempts to modify himself, so he generally just sits there and does as he's told.
Jeff nods that Dan can look, and Dan crosses the room. The picture on the easel is one of Dan, started a couple weeks ago, and he's laughing in it, and Dan remembers how weird that had been, trying to sit in more or less the same position, and then having Jeff make him laugh, and having to laugh without changing the position of his body too much; all in all, it's lucky that Jeff has a photograph to work from, because Dan might have been able to replicate the posture, but he'd had a hell of a time with the facial expression. It's a nice picture, though, or at least Dan thinks so. "Almost done?"
"With the photos or the painting?"
"No, the painting."
"Yeah, probably. At least for a while. I think… I think it turned out pretty well." Jeff grins wryly. "Hard not to, with a subject like that." He steps closer, runs the back of his curved fingers almost reverently along Dan's cheekbone. "You're so fucking beautiful when you're laughing." He brings his hand down and glances at one of the other paintings, leaning up against the side wall. "Of course, you're pretty damn fine when you're pouting, too."
"I wasn't pouting, asshole. I was being quiet."
"You were sulking because I told you to stop talking." He leans forward as if for a kiss, then nips a little at Dan's bottom lip. "And this, right here, this beautiful little curve of flesh… it was a damn sight curvier than usual, and that makes it a pout." He grins and gives Dan a real kiss. Dan doesn't hold off for more than a second before returning it; he can't really prove that he wasn't sulking then by sulking now, and besides, he likes kissing Jeff. Jeff pulls away just as it's getting interesting, though, and brings the camera up for another couple snaps of Dan's face. Dan's seen enough of these shots to know what he looks like when he's like this, his features softened, his eyes wider and greener than usual. Sometimes he's okay with it, but sometimes it makes him feel a bit too vulnerable.
Dan reaches out and takes the camera, and Jeff doesn't resist, doesn't object when Dan turns the camera on him and starts snapping away. Jeff always looks self-conscious when Dan takes his picture, a bit sheepish, but he goes along with it. Dan stretches his arm out to the side, holding the camera at a distance and then clicks some shots of him kissing Jeff, his free hand on the back of Jeff's neck, angling his face towards or away from the camera, pushing him almost too hard, too far, but Jeff contorts himself obediently. Dan doesn't know why this is so hot, Jeff's willingness to submit, but, damn, he can't deny that it gets him going. He pushes a little harder, still careful not to cause pain, and Jeff obeys again, reaching out to Dan's hips for balance as he drops to his knees. Dan snaps some shots of that, Jeff looking up at him, his head tilted back, held by Dan's fist, and Dan thinks about taking it further, pushing Jeff's face in and taking for himself what Jeff has just given to Evan, but he doesn't. He feels like maybe he doesn't have the right, not when he'd created such a fuss earlier. Instead, he slides down to his knees in front of Jeff, sets the camera on the floor, and releases his grip on Jeff's hair. He pulls Jeff's head forward for a gentle kiss. They're both half-hard, but that's pretty much standard for these posing sessions, and Dan has learned to ignore it, or at least to accept a delay in his gratification.
"So, are you gonna get painting, or are you just gonna fool around all night?" Dan knows his words would be a bit more compelling if he wasn't murmuring them into Jeff's mouth between kisses, but he's not really worried about being compelling. He actually has no objection to more fooling around.
But Jeff is apparently convinced. He pulls away reluctantly, and climbs to his feet. "Yeah, okay." He takes a drink from his beer and then looks around the room. He nods to the couch. "You okay over there? Like last week?"
Dan nods, and moves over. "I don't have the same clothes, though."
"You don't really have any clothes, cowboy." Jeff waggles his eyebrows. "Not that I'm complaining. And it's fine—I can just work on your face. And your feet. Damn, your feet are going to give me a damn fetish."
Dan glances down at them and frowns. Sometimes Jeff is a bit hard to follow. He doesn't worry about it, though, just walks over to the couch and lies down. He remembered liking this pose; usually, there's some sort of tension somewhere, something that catches Jeff's interest, but this one is just relaxation. He stretches out on his back, his head resting on the low arm of the couch. The hand furthest from Jeff gets tucked behind his head, and the other one rests on his chest. The far leg is crooked at the knee, leaning against the back of the couch, and the other leg is stretched out. Dan glances over at Jeff, who's comparing Dan's current pose to the work Jeff's already done.

"Pull your foot up about an inch further… yeah, good. And your other foot, lean the toes out a little more, towards me… okay, yeah, perfect." Jeff grins. "Damn, now I wish we'd started in just underwear. I spent all that time getting the damn fabric draped right, and it turns out it was just covering up the stuff I actually wanted to paint."

"It's not like you haven't had the chance to paint the skin, too, man. I mean, how many of these have you done? Like… eight or nine, at least."
"And I'm not even starting to get tired of it. Plus you've put on a bit of weight, so it's like a whole new you."
Dan glances down at himself. "What, enough weight that you can notice? Seriously? My clothes still fit okay…."
Jeff shakes his head. "Relax, princess. You look good—you were getting a bit skinny before. Tia's 'feed the leftovers to Dan' plan has done its job, that's all."
Dan settles back against the arm of the couch. He gets comfortable again, then frowns over at Jeff. "I'm not a princess. You wouldn't like it if I got all fat."
"You're miles away from that, and you know it. And I don't care how much you eat, you're never going to put much weight on if you keep riding eight hours a day. Now, no more talking, I'm going to work on your face."
Dan lets his eyes drift shut. Jeff can always tell him if he wants them open. Without the chatter, it's hard to keep his mind from going back to earlier with Evan. He's enough of an athlete to be able to keep his body relaxed, but his mind is far from matching.
He goes over it all a few times, and then he hears Jeff clear his throat. "You okay over there?" Dan grunts back, trusting Jeff to be able to interpret. "Good. I, uh… at some point, we need to talk about some stuff, you know. All three of us. But if you want to rehearse it with just me first, that's cool."
Dan doesn't say anything. He can't really disagree with Jeff, but that doesn't mean that he knows exactly what to say. Or even roughly what to say.
Jeff lets it go for a few minutes, then starts again. "I could use a break. You want to try talking now?"
Dan groans. "Jesus, Jeff, I'm not mute! I can just talk, I don't have to try to talk."
"Yeah? Okay, prove it, hot stuff. Talk. You know what I want to hear about."
Dan rolls his eyes. "Yeah, okay…." Jeff looks like he's thinking about coming over, but he stays at the easel instead, busying himself with his brushes… Dan's not really sure what he's doing, but he's just as happy Jeff isn't insisting on closeness right now. "I just… I mean, I said I'd do it! It's not my fault you two got all… whatever."
"Yeah, well, call me a romantic, but I think it'd be nice for everyone if you were actually a part of the event, not just closing your eyes and thinking of England." He pauses. "I don't know if I've ever said it straight out, Dan, but I honestly don't care if you ever bottom. Seriously. And Evan… well, I'm sure he'd like a little ass access, but I can mix it up with him, take turns more than I do now. And we're both…I mean, the sex has been pretty spectacular. There are absolutely no complaints. It's just…." Jeff shifts around the easel, but keeps his distance. "If you don't want to do it because you don't physically enjoy it, like, you've got an underactive prostate or… whatever… that's one thing. It just…." He sighs, and takes a couple steps closer. "It seems like you're… not scared, but… you know, anxious. Or uncomfortable. Mentally, not physically." He's next to Dan now, looks like he might be going to sit down on the end of the couch, and Dan really doesn't want him to. Jeff seems to sense that, and stays still. "So that's what I'm concerned about. I don't like to think about you worrying or freaked out by… well, by anything, really, but especially not by something like this."
Jeff's done talking, it's pretty clear, so now it's Dan's turn. But it's not like he's got anything to say. He pulls his feet towards him and swings them over the side of the couch. He stands up, and wishes he had more clothes on. He doesn't bother asking for Jeff's permission before going over and looking at the work on the easel. He waits for something to happen, anything, but nothing does, and Jeff just waits him out.
"Okay, I said I'd do it. And I'll try to be more… involved, or whatever. Okay?"
Jeff shakes his head. "Dan, come on. You were listening, and you understood what I was saying. Don't pretend you didn't."
"Well, I don't know what you want from me!" He sounds a bit desperate, even to his own ears, and he takes a deep breath, turning away from the easel and Jeff, looking towards the pictures leaning against the wall. "I mean, it's not enough that I'll do it, I've got to want to do it? Well, sorry, man, I just… don't. I don't…." He can't say he doesn't like it. That's not quite right. "I don't want to. Not…."
Jeff waits for the rest of the sentence, but when it doesn't come, he tries to start Dan again. "Not what, Dan? Not yet? or Not with us? Not this way?" Dan doesn't really have any answers for that, either, and Jeff sighs in frustration, then takes a deep breath of his own. "Okay, can we… can I just ask you some questions? I mean, I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark, here."
Dan shrugs noncommittally, and Jeff's laugh is a little sharp. "So, what, you're going to be emotionally removed from every part of this?" Dan stands still, facing the wall, but he can feel Jeff coming up behind him, and he doesn't move away. Jeff's hands come forward, resting so gently that they're barely touching Dan's hips. "Come on, man, help me out." He puts the slightest of pressure on one side, not even a suggestion, just the ghost of an invitation for Dan to turn around, and Dan ignores it for a few breaths, but Jeff just waits, and finally Dan turns and braces his forehead on Jeff's chest. One of Jeff's hands comes to rest on the back of Dan's neck, and it's familiar, and comforting. Dan feels Jeff's kiss on the top of his head, and moves slowly, twisting his head around and then tilting it back until he lines their mouths up and Jeff leans in for another kiss, this time on the lips. He pulls away just enough to be able to whisper, and Dan can feel him more than hear him ask, "So, a few questions? Okay?"
Dan forces himself to nod, and lets himself be guided over to the couch. Jeff sits down first, one foot on the floor, the other along the back of the couch, and then he gently tugs Dan down to sit in the V of his legs, leaning his back against Jeff's chest. It's become their default position for any serious talks, and Dan likes it; they're close enough that Dan can feel Jeff's warm strength, but he doesn't have to look him in the eyes, doesn't have to open up more than he wants to. He nestles in, lets Jeff's arms wrap themselves around his chest, and then there's a noise in the doorway, and they both look over to see Evan standing there, dressed in sweat pants and an undershirt, looking awkward.
"Oh, hey. Sorry… I, uh…I was just checking in. But I can come back…." Evan waits only a second for a response, then starts backing away.
Dan surprises himself by speaking up. "No, wait." It doesn't seem right to shut Evan out of this, somehow, even though he's willing to go. "We, uh… Jeff was just gonna ask me a bunch of totally invasive questions, I think. Could be a good time… you should stick around." Dan is actually feeling a little queasy, and Evan is obviously aware that things are not as light as Dan has tried to make them sound. He stands in the doorway, indecisive, and Dan tries to smile. "Seriously, man… get some beers, we'll make it a game of 'I never'."
Evan still looks unsure, but he steps further into the room, and holds up the hand that had been hidden behind the door frame. It's holding three bottles of beer, and Dan's smile is real. "You're a natural, man. Too bad Jeff vetoed the Wild Turkey talks, or I'd be telling you my darkest secrets in no time."
Jeff's arm tightens a little around Dan's chest. "You can tell us anything you want to, Dan, even if you're sober."
Evan's watching this as he comes into the room, and he grins at Dan, then looks at Jeff. "Yeah, it's the 'wants to' that's the problem, Jeff. Drunker he is, more likely that he'll want to."
Jeff shakes his head. "We can do this without the booze. And if we can't, we can just wait until we can."
Dan and Evan exchange a quick look, and Evan gives the hint of an eye roll. Dan grins in response; he's glad Evan's here—he feels like an ally. Dan tucks his feet up a little, making space at the end of the couch, and Evan moves down there and sits in a mirror image of Jeff's pose. Dan extends his feet, grins a little at Evan's expression as Dan's toes nudge in under his ass. "Comfy?" Dan asks.
Evan shifts his weight, slides forward a bit, and wriggles. "Oh, yeah."
Jeff pulls Dan back a little, kisses his temple. "Okay, we all good?" Dan nods, and tries not to let Jeff feel his body tensing up. Jeff runs a hand down Dan's chest. "Okay, well…." He pauses, and Dan turns half way around. There's a long pause. And then Jeff giggles. Dan shoots a look at Evan, then turns the rest of the way around and stares at Jeff, who is still giggling, almost cackling.
"Jeff?" Evan sounds like he can't decide whether to be amused or concerned. "Dude?"
Jeff looks up and shakes his head. "I'm totally blanking. I can't think of a single goddamn question."
The other two just stare at him. Evan breaks first. "Oh, you're fired, dude! That's it… no more 'Wise Jedi Master' bullshit from you… you're done."
Jeff shakes his head. "You think so, Padawan? You think you're ready to take over?"
Dan can't allow this to continue. "Sweet Jesus Christ, you two are both total nerds. I don't even… that's Star Wars, right? But, like, the new ones? Not the old ones, that, you know, came out when you were kids, when you maybe actually had some excuse for memorizing that shit?"
Evan shakes his head. "No, dude, that was my childhood. Maybe you and Jeff are old enough to remember the old ones, but a pup like me…."
Dan nudges a little with his feet, enough to remind Evan of the vulnerability of his position. "Careful, now…."
Jeff nips Dan's ear in appreciation. "Okay. Time to regroup here. I, uh… yeah, questions." He kisses Dan's temple. "Okay, how about some of the ones we started with earlier? This is… the no bottoming thing… this is new, right? I mean, you've done it before?"
Damn. It would be a lot easier to keep talking about Jedi ranks. But Dan needs to try. "Yeah. I mean, of course, right?" He pauses in case someone else wants to jump in, but apparently they'd like a little more detail. "Uh, with Justin—you know… we mixed it up."
"And before that? Before him?" Jeff's voice is gentle.
Dan takes a deep breath, makes his shoulders relax. He doesn't really like to think about the time before Justin, much less talk about it. "Yeah, I did. Sometimes."
"How did you decide? Who'd do what?" Apparently Jeff has found his list of questions.
"I don't know, just… you know. How you do. Just… whatever was needed. You know, what the guy wanted."
"You didn't care?"
Dan shrugs, keeping his eyes trained on a little scar on his knee. "I guess not."
Evan moves his shoulders, and Dan glances over quickly before looking back at his knee. Evan seems like he's about to jump in, but then he settles and lets Jeff continue.
One of Jeff's hands is snug against Dan's chest, and the other has been resting on his thigh, but now that hand starts moving a little, just gently rubbing along Dan's leg. It's pretty nice. Jeff gives him another little kiss. "So, we just need to figure out what's different between then and now, right?"
Dan thinks for a second, and then shakes his head. "Dude, everything's different. I mean… I'm different. Really different. It's like… it's like another life, or something. Another person."
Evan frowns. "Wait, you're different from before Justin, or you're different from who you were with Justin?"
"No, from before Justin. I mean, I guess a bit from with Justin, but…." He shakes his head. He really doesn't want these nice, clean, safe guys to know about who Dan used to be. But he remembers that Evan's already seen at least some of it, with all the stuff the security guys had come up with, and he hadn't seemed too concerned. "I was kind of a mess. I…." He remembers something else, and nods at Evan. "Your friend, that… Kristen. She said something about how easy it was for you, growing up, liking guys, everything—she said you were golden." He shakes his head. "I was… I don't know what I was, but it sure as hell wasn't golden. And I know I should have gotten over it faster. I mean, being a screwed up kid is one thing, but I was in my twenties by the time I met Justin, it… I should have had my head on straight by then. But… I didn't." He shrugs. "I was just kind of bouncing around, I guess. No plan, no… no nothing." He doesn't want to look at Evan, and he's glad he can't see Jeff. "I know you guys think I'm a bit of a mess now, but, seriously… compared to what I was…."
"We don't think you're a mess, Dan." Jeff presses another kiss to his temple. "A little complicated, sure… but you're not a mess." Evan reaches down and rests his hand on Dan's ankle, gives him a gentle shake as if to confirm Jeff's message. Jeff sighs. "So in terms of the bottoming, what you did before Justin doesn't really matter, because you're a different person now… but you were okay bottoming with him, so… where does that leave us?"
"I swear to Christ, I will look you straight in the eye as you fuck me blind if we can just stop talking now. Seriously, there's… it's not a big deal. I'll do it. I was being stupid, it feels good, I'm happy to do it." Dan straightens up a little, leans towards Evan. "I let this whole thing get blown out of proportion. Sorry. Let's go, right now. My ass is open for business."
Evan's lips twitch a little. "Wow. Sexy. Very sophisticated approach."
"Fuck you, Kaminski. With an ass this fine, I don't need a smooth sales pitch."
Jeff's shaking his head again. "Dan, come on, sweetheart…."
"No, man, seriously. I just… I don't know, it felt weird. But it's weird not to do it, too, so, what the fuck, right? Might as well do it. It's not a big deal."
"Or we could try to make it not weird," Jeff says softly. "Try to understand why it felt off, figure out how to make it better."
"Dude, you know, talking isn't magic. I mean, it doesn't actually change anything. I was who I was, I did what I did, and it's over and done, too late to make it different." Dan doesn't even try to hide the tension in his body, but he manages to keep himself from pushing right away from Jeff. That's about the best he can do.
Jeff pauses, and Evan nods. "You're right. But you know all that stuff, and we don't. So it's not about changing anything, it's just… if we know, we understand you a bit better."
"Okay, and if I know stuff about you, I'll understand you a bit better. How come this is all turned around on me? I said I was being stupid about the bottoming thing, you know I'll stand by it… so that's done with. No more therapy needed. Unless, you know, if there's something one of you'd like to share… I'm happy to listen. Maybe I can shine the light of my wisdom on things. It must be really hard for you to figure things out for yourselves, without me there to explain what you're actually feeling."
They're all quiet for a bit, and Dan sighs and sits up. He pulls his feet out from under Evan, and puts them on the floor, then leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. "Okay, so that was a bit bitchy. But, seriously…"
Evan's voice cuts him off, talking too fast. "The week before my parents died, my mom and I were supposed to go sailing, but I canceled because a guy I had a crush on invited me over. I told her I had a paper due, couldn't make it. That was the last time I ever talked to her, me lying and blowing her off."
Jeff doesn't say anything. Dan isn't sure if he's already heard this, or if he's just leaving it up to Dan to respond, trying to show him that it's not always that easy to be wise. Dan takes a deep breath. "Wow. You're… you're a total asshole. I can't believe you did that. I mean… damn."
Evan snorts out a rough laugh. "Yeah, thanks." He shakes his head, and Dan leans back against his leg. They're all quiet for a bit, and then Jeff speaks.
"In high school, the first time I had sex… first time for her, too, and it was fucking awful sex, especially for her, I guess… and she got pregnant. I hadn't known we were going to do it, and, shit, I knew I should use protection but I was afraid she'd change her mind if we paused, or afraid I'd chicken out." He leans back on the couch. "Her family was pretty uptight, she didn't want to tell them. My mom ended up getting involved. When Debbie—the girl—when she said she wanted an abortion, I was so relieved I thought I'd cry. My mom drove her to the next town to get it done. My mom could have lost her job, getting involved with someone else's kid like that." He shakes his head. "I swear, if I needed another reason to prefer men… Jesus, that was a good one."
There's another stretch of silence. It's obviously Dan's turn. He takes a deep breath. "There's a mom theme, I guess? Okay. I didn't know my mom was dead until half a year after she died, because I took off and left her. Didn't visit, didn't call, nothing. Left my sister too, even though I knew our stepfather used to beat her up whenever I wasn't around to take the heat. But, hey, that worked out okay, because she's fine now… oh, wait, she's not fine, she's wanted by the goddamn FBI, married to some biker asshole and hanging around with our loser father, who ditched us the first time my mom got sick. But I guess I can't be too hard on him, since I did the exact same thing." Between the two of them, Dan's pretty sure there's no new information in that little speech, but that doesn't mean it sounds any better saying it all at once. "So, you know, if we're having a 'bad son' contest… I think I win."
Jeff and Evan are both watching him, as if they think he might be about to bolt, and then Evan slaps his own forehead. "I understand now! That's why you don't like to bottom!"
Dan frowns at him. "You're an idiot."
Evan shakes a finger at him. "Now, no judging words."
"I'm sorry. I meant to say… I feel… frustrated… by your idiocy."
Evan nods. "Better." He looks over at Jeff. "So, problem solved? Can I go fuck Dan now?"
Jeff sighs. "I'm not the ass police. You two can do whatever you want." He cuts his eyes over to Dan. "As long as it's actually what you want."
Dan doesn't really want to do anything but burrow into a big warm bed and not think about anything for as long as possible; he sure doesn't feel like having sex. But he wants this over with. He can't explain, to himself or to anyone else, why he hasn't felt comfortable bottoming, but he thinks maybe he just needs to power past it. Talking hasn't helped, and it's just made him feel stupid and more uncomfortable than before. Maybe if they can ditch Jeff, he can get his hands on some liquor, get drunk enough that the whole thing will just be funny, and then once he's done it once, it'll be fine. He did used to enjoy it, at least sometimes. Well, before Justin, generally he'd been drunk or high for it, but either or both of those could still be arranged, especially if Jeff isn't involved. And with Justin, it had been good. Not always, and Justin had been really patient, really gentle; if they were just having a quickie, they generally wouldn't fuck at all, but if they did, it would be Dan topping. It was just quicker. Easier. Less… something. But when they'd done it, taken their time, when Dan had let Justin in, it had been….
"Yeah, no." Evan's voice is flat. "I guess not, not tonight."
Dan looks up. "What? No, wait… we can. I was just thinking, or something."
"Dude, you looked like you were planning your own execution."
"No, that's… that's just what I look like when I think."
"I've seen you think before, Dan—it didn't look like that." Evan slides down the couch and rests his chin on Dan's shoulder. "It's okay, dude. Seriously. I don't… I don't really care if I get to do it… I just…." He casts his eyes down, then sneaks a quick kiss to the spot below Dan's ear. He's almost whispering when he continues. "I just want you to want it. You know?"
Dan lets that sink in for a second. And, yes, he does know. He nods, and looks down at his hands, clasped between his open knees. "I want me to want it, too."
Evan looks at him for a few heartbeats, and then nods. "Yeah. Okay." He grins. "You be sure to let me know, okay?" Dan doesn't say anything, and Evan leans forward and wraps his arms around Dan, then leans back, dragging Dan with him. "Okay?" He wraps his legs around Dan's, wriggling around until they're both lying on the couch, their feet tangled up on Jeff's lap, and Jeff rests his hands on their ankles and watches with fond amusement. "Okay?" Evan whispers into Dan's ear.
"Yeah, okay," Dan whispers back, and he lets his body relax into the strange, complicated embrace.