Eyes of an Innocent

Entering my apartment after a long walk, the first thing I saw was Cherry sitting on my gray sofa with her elegant legs crossed. The leg on top was bouncing frantically as she cut me with a piercing look of anger.

“Where have you been? Your work was over hours ago!” Annoyance was evident in her chopped words as well as in her raised voice.

“I took a walk after work. I was tired and needed to think. Have you been waiting long?” I asked her, concerned.

“Of course I have! You are never home when I need you!” She was pouting and whining, and I could feel a pressure headache developing behind my eyes.

I sat next to her, touching her leg gently with my palm. “I’m here now. What do you need from me?”

She threw herself on me, and her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. “I want you in me! I can’t stand it any longer!” That whine rang again.

The kisses she laid on my exposed neck were getting rougher, and I was about to answer when she lifted her head, planting a wet kiss against my lips. I tasted her heavy lipstick, felt her sharp fingernails pressing into the back of my neck. My pants were getting tighter the rougher she got. Under her persistence, I leaned slowly back on the sofa, letting her climb expertly into my lap. My shirt was lifted up before she abandoned my mouth and bit hard on the left nipple. I groaned loudly, feeling the sweet pain spread through my chest, down my belly, and below my waist.

Her clothes disappeared soon after that, exposing all her luscious curves to my touch. I liked the way her soft flesh bent under my exploring palms, how her whole body perfectly fit mine. She was beautiful, her long, blonde hair falling around us, blue eyes staring at mine provocatively every time our eyes met. Her kisses were getting bolder as she unzipped my pants and kissed the tip of my blood-filled cock.

I watched the top of her head as her tongue pulled moans out of me. My thoughts were drifting somewhere between fantasy and reality as the curves of her gorgeous ass danced in the air just for me.

The only problem was that, even though I found everything about her tempting, all her efforts arousing, my previously straining cock started to deflate. The fall was slow but continuous, despite her teasing tongue and her incredible lips.

Terror shook me with every passing second, because I knew exactly what would happen next. It had been a continuing story for the whole previous year.

“I can’t fucking believe this!” Her scream of outrage was nothing I hadn’t heard before. She stared at me with betrayal in her eyes, shock painting her features. She couldn’t believe that her efforts were useless or that she was the problem. Something like this had never happened to a person like her. Of course I was the one to blame; it was the only thing that made sense.

“I’m sorry. I don’t do it on purpose—” I tried, but she cut me off.

“I don’t really care! I can’t do this anymore! We are sexual people. I need to fuck to be someone on this planet, and I need to do it often!” She was absolutely right. I knew all that already.

“I’m really sorry, honey. I’m sure it will be different a little later,” I tried, seriously doubting that statement. Why was I the one with a dysfunctional cock?

“The hell it will! You’ve been saying that for a year now, and I still haven’t gotten any sex from you. I’m an Adult, for crying out loud! I can’t spend all my young years with an Innocent!” she said without lowering her tone.

“What are you saying, Cherry?” I knew where she was heading, but I wanted to be sure. I needed to hear her say it loud and clear.

“I’m saying that I’ll find an Adult who can fuck me till I can’t see straight, and I’m saying that the two of us are over! I’ll remove your access clearance from my apartment. Have a nice life.” She was pulling on her tight shirt as she walked to the front door, her head held high, her whole posture stiff. She was still angry, but I was the one exposed on my sofa. I was the one who’d just gotten brutally dumped.

I looked at my flaccid cock peeking through my unzipped pants. I hated him in that moment, just as I’d hated him so many times before when he gave up in the middle of foreplay. Betraying bastard!

Throwing my head back and thinking about Cherry, I realized that I didn’t care all that much about a relationship with her. She was fun to be around, and we’d had some good times, but that was it. I wouldn’t be missing her all that much.

The thing that I did miss was my reliable erection. What was I supposed to do now that there was no woman in my life anymore? I wished a solution would come on its own, but I wasn’t really holding my breath. I needed someone to take away my Innocent eyes and give me pleasure while doing it, but the problem was my naked friend in front of me. He probably wouldn’t cooperate with another woman, either.

“My problem isn’t getting you up, you idiot. It’s keeping you up,” I said to him, frustrated, as I reached for the remote.

The screen resumed playing the erotic movie I had programmed where I’d stopped it a few days ago. I remembered the last time I had watched it, after she’d left me in anger, much like today.

But even the movie wasn’t enough of a stimulant for the idiot to stand up proud. I knew that, today, it was all about Cherry. I could delude myself that nothing she had said had hurt, but it didn’t mean it didn’t sting, that it didn’t damage my already-bruised pride.

I watched the screen, but I didn’t see the movie. There was no problem when I was alone or when I needed to get aroused. I was a healthy man who just had to get past that difficult first time. It must have been my nerves….

“You’ve been telling yourself that for a year now, Reji. It’s not nerves.” And I knew it.

A disturbing thought that had been edging itself through my mind for a while now drifted there again. I said it out loud for the first time, my palms sweating, my cock still flaccid on my belly. “What if I’m attracted to men and not women?” I thought about it but felt nothing as I pictured a naked man in my mind. I turned my head toward the screen again, observing the naked actor parading next to the bed. I felt nothing similar to arousal, but it was already more than proven that I couldn’t do anything with a woman. Maybe I should try a man?







One week later



“I can do it. How hard can it be, anyway? I’ll just walk in there, sit at a bar, and wait for some guy to hit on me. It shouldn’t be that difficult, right? I’ll just say up front that I don’t plan on having sex with him, and everything will be all right,” I said to myself while walking toward Club Red.

“I have to try it; there just isn’t any other choice. I’m a man of twenty, and I still have no idea if I prefer women or men. I’m an idiot.” I just couldn’t put it off anymore.

I kept trying to convince myself that it was all because I was nervous, that the whole getting-naked thing and someone else touching me caused different negative emotions to come to the surface. But the logical part of my mind had an opinion about all that ridiculous convincing. Just one word really: bullshit!

“There is just something terribly wrong with me, and if I can’t get it up with a man, I’ll just turn to the priesthood and forget about sex altogether. I mean, there isn’t anything else I can do. God, just thinking about a man touching me makes my skin crawl.”

All right, not exactly crawl—more like it would make me uncomfortable. Yes, that’s it: uncomfortable. Maybe it’s prejudice, because I don’t think of men as ugly. There were some rather good-looking guys in my school and in clubs I frequented over the weekends, but being touched by one in that way just seemed wrong.

“I have no idea what to do anymore.” I sighed heavily, stopping in the middle of the street. “It can’t really be that bad, right? I’ll just go inside, maybe kiss a little, and see what it’s all about.” Then my mind did a turn and I realized, “But if I just kiss, it won’t prove anything! I kissed with Cherry and it was fine; the problem is what comes after. I can’t get naked with a guy, no way!” My plan had holes in it. Damn it!

“No! No! It’s a good plan! I’ll just go in there and see what happens. If the kiss doesn’t do it for me, then the problem lies elsewhere. If it does, I’ll think about getting naked some other time. I don’t have to do it all at once, right? Right! It’s settled then.”

I smiled slightly, content with myself, and moved toward the fate-deciding club once more.

My suppressed thoughts struggled to break free all the way there, but I wouldn’t have it. There was nothing good that could come out of them. Besides, my decision was made, and I wasn’t planning on letting anyone sway me from it. Not even my stubborn self.

“So, to check all preparations once more: I showered, my clothes are the sexiest I could find in my closet, I took the disease pills—God, just remembering the experience of buying them makes my face go red. Anyway, back to the list: I have money for the taxi and money for the drinks, in separate pockets, just in case; my ID; blue contacts… is that about it? I think so. Okay, then.” I smiled again, picking up my pace.

The chicken in me peeked out once more when I arrived at the flashy entrance. I had a vision of that huge bouncer doing me against the club wall, and only my resolve held me from collapsing right in front of him. They checked my ID, and I was inside in a matter of minutes.

The first shock was the red light that blinded me right there at the door. The second one was someone’s hard dick pressed against my forbidden ass, and a warm breath whispering in my all-too-intent ear. “Do you want to get out of here, sweet-cake?”

Suffice it to say that I ran as fast as I could through the crowd, somehow managing to reach the lighted bar. I didn’t look back, but I silently prayed that whoever that had been didn’t follow me. When the slim, red-haired bartender finally noticed me, I yelled over the loud music. “Vodka, Red Bull!” He just nodded, turning around with his hips swinging.

He smiled invitingly, minutes later, as he brought me my much-awaited drink. But I cradled the cool glass, staring at the space between my elbows, ignoring him, while hoping to find some much-needed courage in the alcohol.

I’d only taken two tentative sips when a big guy squeezed himself onto the seat beside me and pressed his huge thigh to mine. I went as stiff as a board, instantly making that inner monologue switch on.

“This is why you are here, Reji. Don’t back down now. You are in public, and there is only so much he can do here. Just relax and smile. There is nothing wrong with a smile.”

So I did look at him, and I did smile. It was a tiny bit strained, but as his white teeth flashed at me, I relaxed. He was much bigger than I was, short black curls covered his head, and blue eyes caressed my body from top to bottom. It was the most seductive smile I had ever seen, but the turn-on part was the fact that it was directed straight at me. The guy was checking me out appreciatively, as if I were a beautiful woman, and my feelings jumbled in reaction to that.

When he leaned over confidently, I gripped the edge of the bar just to stay in place, trying very hard not to move away. His head passed my shocked face, stopping just above my shoulder. The voice was getting swallowed by the loud music, but I still heard his words.

“Can I buy you a drink?” Not the most original pick-up line, but I was mostly just grateful that he didn’t ask anything sexual, so I nodded.

He called the flashy bartender over, motioning for another round of the same, causing me to relax some more. I smiled to myself, thinking how this really wasn’t all that bad and how I just might handle it without a sweat.

But the guy caught my smile, and probably figured it was directed at him, because his large palm found my thigh. It slid over my leg, almost all the way to my groin, kneading my muscles as it moved. The overwhelming panic that hit me almost made me puke right then and there, so I ran from the bar, pushing through the crowd until I found the bathroom sign, the one I’d seen when I first entered the club.

Other than one occupied stall, the bathroom was empty, allowing me to breathe in the flower-scented air and find my calm center. It was such a wasted opportunity.

“I can’t find a guy like this. I’ll have a nervous breakdown before I even kiss someone. There has to be another way, where I can first meet someone and then maybe kiss,” I pondered out loud.

“Nothing comes to mind, but I can’t very well hide in the bathroom for the rest of the night.” I walked to the white sink, where I washed my tired face, glancing in the mirror above when I was done.

The occupied stall was now open, and the tall guy who had been inside positioned himself behind my back. His smile was wicked and his voice rough. “Stand by the door and make sure no one comes in. We found ourselves a treat.”

That’s when I noticed the shorter guy, who was walking hurriedly to the bathroom door. My heart was beating so hard I could hear it in my throat as I frantically looked for an opening to escape through. There was none.

“Nice going, Reji, you really did it this time,” I mumbled to myself just before the taller one grabbed me roughly and pushed me over the hard sink.

I tried scratching him, but my short arms couldn’t reach him, so next I screamed as loud as I could. He laughed cruelly from behind me, intensifying the terror that was starting to envelop the room. “No one can hear you, feisty one, the music is too loud.” That was when he leaned heavily on my back, speaking in a lower voice. “But I like screaming; it turns me on.” Another cruel laugh followed his statement, sealing my fate.

I tried struggling some more, already knowing it was no use, given the way he unbuttoned my pants in a flash. It doubled my already high level of panic, causing me to flap my arms around uncontrollably in a futile attempt to free myself. What I managed to do instead was hit a soap holder, and the sharp edge cut my palm. I hissed as the instant pain registered in my senses, and it made him laugh again. “You keep that arm away from me! I don’t need blood on my clothes.”

Naturally, I did the opposite, but he grabbed my arm midair and slammed it on the sink in one fluid motion. I could feel the bruise forming as the strength of the blow made my eyes water. But by the time the pain turned into a steady throb, my virgin ass was completely exposed, his heavy palm slapping it repeatedly. The sound was deafening, bringing the reality of the situation closer to me with every stinging slap.

I was completely helpless, and the despair of it all made tears slip down my cheeks. My struggles stopped as I slowly accepted the fact that I was going to be brutally raped. I also accepted that it was all my own foolish fault. That was the moment I heard his zipper lowering, and I realized that I wasn’t going to wake up from this nightmare.

“What the hell are you doing, blocking the bathroom door? If you want to fuck, go rent a room. There are other people here too!” A strong voice stopped the tall guy in his tracks, making me lift my head to look in the mirror.

There was an older man standing impatiently next to the short guy, preparing to say something else, but he must have caught sight of the bloodied white sink just before his penetrating gaze connected with mine.

“Please, help me,” I whispered desperately, and his fist automatically connected with the short guy’s lifted jaw. The guy fell heavily to the marbled floor; that sight made the muscled body that was on top of me move away quickly. I took the chance as I pulled up my tight pants, turned my back to the sink, and moved all the way to the far wall.

The older man looked extremely pissed as the tall one slowly approached him. I wasn’t that much of a coward usually, but at that moment all I wanted to do was disappear from the face of the Earth. As soon as I saw my golden opportunity, I jumped into an open stall, locking the door firmly behind me. It wasn’t a perfect hideout—far from it—but the only door that led to freedom was blocked, and I needed a place to escape the situation, to cradle my persistent shame.

I huddled into a cold corner, noticing my bloody hand only when I heard them again. They were panting tiredly, with the dull hits echoing through the tiled room, but I wasn’t inclined to root for either of them. God only knew what the older man had planned for me.

I was scared out of my mind, and only my self-preservation instinct managed to pull me out of my dark thoughts, back into reality again, where I took some toilet paper and wrapped my injured hand. The cut wasn’t very bad, but it bled a lot.

I checked my pants again to see if they were buttoned up, making sure that I was secure. I really wanted as many layers on me as I could get. I heard a soft knock on the stall door, and it made me freeze in my trembling motions, expecting only the worst.

“Are you all right in there? Do you want me to call the police?” a warm voice asked instead.

It took me some time to process his perfectly understandable words, and when I did, shame overwhelmed me again, forcing me to hurry with the answer. “No, no, don’t call the police. I just want to get out of here. Is it safe?”

“They are both down, and I won’t hurt you,” he said carefully. So I collected my tender balls, which still seemed to be attached to me despite my behavior, and stood up.

Opening the stall door, I got my first good look at the man who had saved me. He was taller than I, very elegant, with hair the color of coal. Another difference, as mine was light brown. Purple eyes watched me intently, piercing right into my soul. He was a Teacher, and the realization made me shudder. I had never met a Teacher before, and to have one see me in such a humiliating position made me lower my eyes in embarrassment.

The bright green of my eyes shines like a betrayal, telling the whole world that I am a virgin at the age of twenty. An Innocent. All of the people I knew who were my age or older—and some who were even younger than me—had become Adults already and gotten their blue eyes.

I wanted to have blue eyes too; I wanted to be an Adult, to not be considered a child wherever I went. That was the reason I had blue contacts on at the moment.

“Are you all right?” the Teacher asked again, concerned.

“Yes, I’m fine. I just want to get out of here,” I repeated, thinking about how I didn’t even deserve to be in his respected presence.