Blackout

His legs stretched out in front of him, Alec leaned back in his chair, thinking about his boss. For years, he had teased his friends about the stereotype in some of the romances they read, the cliché of an employee falling for the employer. Yet here he was, in love with his boss. He would argue with any critic, it wasn't sleeping with one's direct supervisor that caused the biggest problems; it was being madly in love with a man impossible to have. True hell meant knowing there existed nothing more between them than a platonic employer-employee relationship.

Platonic certainly didn't in any way equate to simple, either, not working for his particular boss, anyway.

Any given night, he could get a call from Nicholas at 3:00 a.m. saying they needed to be on an 8:00 a.m. flight to anywhere in the world. The demands of his job, while challenging, made having a personal life all but impossible—which meant no outlet for his steadily growing feelings. This also meant meetings often were held in hotel rooms at all hours of the day and night, and the knowledge that while on these trips, only two things separated him from Nicholas—a wall and courage.

So many times, Alec had almost worked up the gumption to give Nicholas a subtle sign he was interested and willing for whatever the man could offer. Ariel, his sister, had tried to convince him on numerous occasions to just go for it. Her belief that love was enough to conquer all reminded him so much of her departed mother that it brought tears to his eyes just thinking about it. He hoped she never lost that innocence.

The biggest obstacle holding him back wasn't the fear of being fired or of rejection, however; it was the constant questioning whether Nicholas even had any interest in men.

Certainly, he had never given Alec any indication. Then again, his boss had never gone out of his way to pick up women on their business trips either. Most evenings, they would have dinner together in the hotel restaurant, discuss numerous casual topics, and then retire for the night. To their separate rooms. Alec had shared some of the most intimate details of his life with Nicholas over their time working together, including his fears over raising his sister now that their parents were dead. But somehow, the topic of sex had never come up.

Even when they weren't out of town on business, there was nothing to go by. Over the last three years, not even a hint of a relationship involving Nicholas had blipped on the gossip radar in the secretaries' pool. If Nicholas hadn't shown him time and again what a wonderful and loving guy he was, Alec would have worried something was wrong. Instead, he had come to realize Nicholas simply loved his job and found fulfillment in it.

So for the better part of three years, he had worked side by side with Nicholas, forty to eighty hours a week and in complete misery.

"Did you pull those reports I asked for?"

Jerking out of his brooding, Alec swung his chair around and faced his boss, who had assumed his normal pose in the doorway that separated their offices. Shoulder against the doorjamb, he leaned, his body half twisted, the material of his pants pulled tight across his legs. It took every ounce of self-control Alec possessed not to allow his gaze to trail to the man's groin. Instead, he grabbed the files in question and silently handed them over.

While Nicholas skimmed through the information, Alec worked to calm his racing heart. He had come to a decision a few nights earlier, and now, alone together in the office after hours, it seemed the perfect time to put his plan into action. Taking a deep breath, he reached into his desk drawer and pulled out the envelope he had placed there that morning.

"These look good, Alec. Thank you again for doing such a wonderful job on the Murdock deal."

Nodding in response, Alec stood and nervously pushed his chair under his desk. "Nicholas, I was wondering if you'd have a few minutes for me before we head home."

His boss cocked his head to the side, a curious look in his eyes. "Certainly, Alec, you know that. Come on in." As he pushed away from the jamb, he motioned Alec to precede him into the office.

Clutching the envelope so tightly it started to crinkle, Alec settled himself in a chair across from Nicholas's desk, expecting his boss to round the desk and drop into his chair. Instead, the man settled his slender frame on the chair next to Alec and twisted so they sat with their knees almost touching.

"What's on your mind?"

"I um . . . I don't know really how to, well . . . you know I love working here."

"Yes." Nicholas leaned forward, his hands pressed against his knees, his blue eyes soft and receptive as he looked expectantly at Alec. His openness with his employees was one of the first attributes that had drawn Alec to him. From there, the man's sense of humor and compassion, as well as his general passion for his job, cemented Alec's feelings.

Alec tried to formulate just how he wanted to pose his response as he stared at his lap. For an hour in front of the mirror the night before, he'd worked on telling Nicholas, practicing the exact words. But all of his carefully rehearsed words had flown from his mind the moment he was faced with the irreversible action he was about to take.
"But over the last few weeks, I have come to the conclusion it might be better for me to move on. So, um . . . I'm tendering my resignation effective in two weeks." Holding out the envelope, his hand trembling, Alec waited for Nicholas to take it. After seconds passed, he forced himself to look up, only to find his boss staring at him in shock.

"Did you get a better offer somewhere else? If so, I'm willing to try to match it. Certainly we can look at more responsibility, if that's the issue; though, I've always worried I've been putting too much on you. Especially with you having Ariel."

Alec shook his head, trying to hold Nicholas's gaze. "It's not any of those things. I just think it's time for me to leave."

Nicholas pushed himself out of his seat and started pacing, agitatedly moving back and forth across the room, running his hand through his salt and pepper hair until the strands stood on end as he fired off questions. "But why? Has something happened here? Has anyone made you uncomfortable? What would it take to make you stay?"

Laying the envelope gently on the table between the two chairs, Alec stood as well and faced the man he'd grown to care about more than he'd ever expected. "I'm not leaving because of anyone. It's just something I feel I need to do."

"Alec, I . . ."

Heart racing, Alec waited for Nicholas to finish what he was saying, hoping all the while for some sign he meant something, anything, more to the man standing in front of him than an employee. Seconds passed, but still his boss said nothing further.

Unable to stand the silence, Alec said, "I'll take care of talking to personnel tomorrow and get started on combing through the files for a replacement. I think I have a pretty good idea of what you want in an assistant."

Nicholas jerked his head in a nod. With a heavy heart, Alec moved toward the door, needing to put some distance between them before he completely broke down and told Nicholas he was the reason for the resignation. Alec couldn't stand the state of limbo any longer.

As he brushed past his boss to slip out the door, a firm hand clasped his shoulder. "Alec, whatever you need to make you happy here, we can figure this out. Together. I don't want to lose you."

Looking into crystal blue eyes, he found himself unable to resist. "I don't want to lose you either, Nick, but I never had you to begin with." Pulling away from his boss's hand, he turned, unwilling to answer any questions Nicholas might have about the cryptic statement. Cursing himself for being ten kinds of a fool, Alec kept moving. He had two long, torturous weeks left, and revealing his feelings wasn't the wisest course.

"What the hell do you mean?" Nicholas called after him.

Thankfully, at that moment, everything went dark.